1. Second Semester Freshman Year
1.1. Person 1
1.1.1. and the chant i worked out to deal with the weird "i don't feel real and neither does anything else" feeling i got a few times this semester -- "dissociative depression" sounded sort of similar, i wonder whether i had that
1.1.1.1. i havent' had that experience in a while thankfully its really kind of unnerving
1.1.1.1.1. this and other similar things happened jan - march i think and then never happened again. but it was bizarre i think i understand my psychology better now though having this feeling like your identity is just a story being told over a billion utterly inconsistent desires and actions is fucking crazy
1.2. Person 2
1.2.1. I should not eat before you do this, I have to have it all fresh in my mind focused again I bring it forth I woke up this morning after only three hours of sleep at 7:30 AM for dance practice for the Indian dance, which went well despite my lack of sleep/need of practice. My mind is quieted by the low sleep. All I know... Afterwards, I went for a walk on the Charles River in the glorious morning sun which I hadn't seen in a long time. In high school I used to wake up at 645 or seven everyday without a problem, now it seemed ridiculously early. But doing it may seem achievable. I have had a dream in my three hours of sleep that I was being taught how to sing train by a famous teenage singer, and choreographing for show, I was excited to perform. I went for a walk on the Charles River after the dance performance, I was going to run, but my feet were sore so I walked instead. I is a walked I started to wonder basic things, and I concluded that I was like a newborn child in a new world, all the sites I saw were completely new to me, there's little to nothing old about it. It is like I was a kid to move to new neighborhood, a new home, and I need to observe if I wanted to find truth here as well and make my own judgments about the world. Anything, almost anything can be liked. I as I walked along the Charles, I smelled the smog of the cars and has to trash on the ground, backspace. It was somehow incompatible if I need sensitivities, I sense, there's something certainly wrong with it. So I picked up a piece of trash that is sought near the trail, and I look that there is a thing seen any was much better. So I picked up another piece of trash and it is also nice so I picked up a bag and grab more of it. This is also nice, so I continue. As I continued to smell the smog or as I walked across the Boston University Bridge, I think of alternative propulsion technologies -- how could a central for instance nuclear power source power cars? Could cars have a carbon/pollutant sequestration device built into them? I thought of Professor sadaway's comment that it's the 21st century and we shouldn't be thinking like apologists anymore. Could we genetically modified trees to absorb more pollutants? Could we just plant more trees trees? Can we use magnetic levitation? (Side note, I thought about maglev boots -- what would it be like "skate" with these?)
1.2.1.1. I should not eat before you do this, I have to have it all fresh in my mind focused again I bring it forth I woke up this morning after only three hours of sleep at 7:30 AM for dance practice for the Indian dance, which went well despite my lack of sleep/need of practice. My mind is quieted by the low sleep. All I know... Afterwards, I went for a walk on the Charles River in the glorious morning sun which I hadn't seen in a long time. In high school I used to wake up at 645 or seven everyday without a problem, now it seemed ridiculously early. But doing it may seem achievable. I have had a dream in my three hours of sleep that I was being taught how to sing train by a famous teenage singer, and choreographing for show, I was excited to perform. I went for a walk on the Charles River after the dance performance, I was going to run, but my feet were sore so I walked instead. I is a walked I started to wonder basic things, and I concluded that I was like a newborn child in a new world, all the sites I saw were completely new to me, there's little to nothing old about it. It is like I was a kid to move to new neighborhood, a new home, and I need to observe if I wanted to find truth here as well and make my own judgments about the world. Anything, almost anything can be liked. I as I walked along the Charles, I smelled the smog of the cars and has to trash on the ground, backspace. It was somehow incompatible if I need sensitivities, I sense, there's something certainly wrong with it. So I picked up a piece of trash that is sought near the trail, and I look that there is a thing seen any was much better. So I picked up another piece of trash and it is also nice so I picked up a bag and grab more of it. This is also nice, so I continue. As I continued to smell the smog or as I walked across the Boston University Bridge, I think of alternative propulsion technologies -- how could a central for instance nuclear power source power cars? Could cars have a carbon/pollutant sequestration device built into them? I thought of Professor sadaway's comment that it's the 21st century and we shouldn't be thinking like apologists anymore. Could we genetically modified trees to absorb more pollutants? Could we just plant more trees trees? Can we use magnetic levitation? (Side note, I thought about maglev boots -- what would it be like "skate" with these?) As I reached the exercise area my small self began its usual aversion to pure fitness training rant, probably as a defense mechanism for its own fear of it. So I walked to the edge of the Charles and began to do cheat on. As I held my left arm up in post position, I could feel the tightness in my shoulders, and my breath was still shallow, much more shallow than it should be. My shoulders to to become fatigued and burn in the way that it does when you have tight muscles, I thought myself melting as ice. This didn't work, so I kept thinking. My small self yelled for me to take it down for me to walk back and I almost hallucinated a sandwich in front of me at BDP, but then the world snap ack and the truth was around me and that was all that there was. As my small self began to protest again I hammered it with a barrage of reasons -- I must not fear, a new one -- I should just go back and you sandwich felt a lot like the main character from a American psycho having a "j&b on the rocks" to calm his nerves. Did I need a silly extra thing to escape? People fast a day for Ramadan, and Native Americans go on vision quests, it's silly that missing a meal should be creating this should render things seemingly impossible. So I continued, and I spread my awareness to my little toe and my fingertips and I lifted my arches, especially my left one, and I focused and relaxing each joint of my fingers because I knew that would lead me in the right direction and so I let go when a time, and slowly my breathing deepened, and I felt the sense of Chi surged into my left hand which was raised, and the veins bulgeb and I continued. Now I had Chi emanating from my hands. But then I started to walk away. It must be done now -- I did it. But then I stopped and realized that was my small self yelling again and I did the final breathing exercise, moving my hands in a circle, I could feel a vast almost liquid energy around them and I didn't want to stop. Everything had opened up and it could flow now. So I did some Falun Dafa as well, and after a little while, I realized that my first exercise had only been the beginning. Finally, I realized that action is an expression of your capabilities as well as your true motivations, and that if I left without doing the fitness exercises which I knew would help me in the objective sense but disdained in my small self, I would be missing something, that I would lose the opportunity to fundamentally change myself, and I returned to the previous world I would pick up where I left off, this would make a difference and I always wondered how people could pick up a new ideology, well I felt why, because the small self screams, I would be closing off the flow of energy that I had available now that I was focused. So I meditate further and suddenly I walked up to the exercise with new open eyes and did them. Nostrils, I looked downward with my gaze and so my nostrils as clear as it came in and relax as there cannot they just were breathing@, keep 3 stage when. After exercise I would do Falun Dafa standing stance my hands just right; perfect form holding my hands just right in tai chi of course you do this because when you hold your hands just right that works better, and it's silly to do otherwise, the same is true with studying. Sometimes, though, you have to try the thing first, and only later do you realize why it's a powerful. For instance, I realize retrospectively that to your target heart rate center for fitness is a science, really cool site! If I would've figured out if I were in the position of the athlete! I want to these numbers, and they had to be provided for me! They're saving the work I would do, and I only laughed at it because I didn't realize yet that I would do it to do. However, draw your own conclusions about the world don't forget to open your eyes. seeking truth, living with open eyes is a good heuristic for doing well formed the basis for a lot of productive processes, I concluded. That's why high school students could make great discoveries in science, that's why many things work out for those like Feynman act like children into thinking. This is why is it is powerful in part