1. Unwelcome Emotions
1.1. Fear
1.1.1. that N will end the relationship because he's been too forward
1.1.1.1. (the fear is lessening, but that doesn't make it gone)
1.1.2. losing his soul
1.2. Sadness
1.2.1. wishes this all could be easier, simpler
1.2.2. that N can't leave Below
1.2.2.1. (he'll never get to see him in the sun)
1.2.3. he's ruined everything by being too forward
1.3. Anger
1.3.1. Scarlet knows about his feelings, but seemed to be claiming N anyway
1.4. Confusion
1.4.1. doesn't understand where all these new emotions are coming from
1.4.2. how can he feel so much for someone so new to him? ...for that matter, for anyone /at all/? It feels so sudden.
1.5. Frustration
1.5.1. doesn't want to be jealous
1.5.2. ah wish ah knew how to quit you
1.5.3. emotions seem to be driving him instead of vice-versa
1.6. Weariness
1.6.1. getting too old for this shit
1.6.2. masks are heavy
1.6.3. this situation fucking sucks
1.7. Jealousy
1.7.1. Bar gets N's love
1.7.2. Scarlet might occupy a similar space to him in N's needs
1.8. Worry
1.8.1. he has thievery jobs that *must* be done
1.8.2. if he gets caught stealing, it will hurt people and he will lose them
1.8.2.1. (when John visits, he will have to be careful)
1.8.3. he could be replaced in N's life by anyone, especially Scarlet
1.8.3.1. (it will take work if he's to lose that kneejerk jealousy)
1.8.4. that as he's getting older he's losing his ability to be a fun person to be around
1.8.5. that people will think less of him when they find out what he doesn't know
1.9. Regret
1.9.1. wish he'd never said anything to Nathan about his feelings
1.10. Shame
1.10.1. ignorance about 'Neath matters
1.10.2. ignorance of so much through his life
1.10.3. has been so selfish
2. Neutral Emotions
2.1. Resolution
2.1.1. never to say "I love you" first
2.1.2. not to give up, even if it would be easier
2.1.3. to keep his promises not to run
2.2. Lust
2.2.1. for Nathan
2.2.2. for ?
2.3. Curiosity
2.3.1. when the hell did he become a man who cries?
2.3.2. would N and John get along?
2.3.3. can he find a balance between thievery and fooling?
2.3.4. why did it take so long for him to think about John with regards to thievery?
2.3.5. what else has he missed?
2.4. Need
2.4.1. more friends would be nice
2.4.2. more places of serenity
2.4.3. continued stability in his footing with N
3. Welcome Emotions
3.1. Love
3.1.1. he doesn't know why it happened, but it did
3.2. Happiness
3.2.1. that John will come and visit
3.2.2. is rediscovering his performance skills
3.2.2.1. (and that he hasn't lost his touch)
3.2.3. the image of N's face upon receipt of his gift
3.3. Calm
3.3.1. in the Flit, looking down over the city
3.3.1.1. (everything seems so much simpler up here)
3.3.2. clear path with N
3.4. Relief
3.4.1. that N thinks they're close
3.4.1.1. (and that he'd like to be closer)
3.4.2. that he's N's only lover
3.4.2.1. (and that's likely to stay that way)
3.5. Wonder
3.5.1. that love feels so /incredible/ when things are going well
3.5.1.1. (the way a touch makes his breath catch in his throat)
3.5.1.2. (the simple joy of having N near)
3.5.2. what /is/ it about that man?
3.6. Anticipation
3.6.1. love will be even better when they are more intimate
3.6.2. working slight-of-hand into his act will be fun
3.6.2.1. (working on his act at all will be fun)
3.6.3. showing John the 'Neath
3.6.4. can't wait to know N better
3.6.5. looking forward to his steamer party
3.6.5.1. (he should start planning that soon)
3.7. Hope
3.7.1. that N will fall for him
3.7.2. that things will become easier