1. Stage 1: Experimentation
1.1. I started experimenting with substances when I was 14 years old - I was at my neighbors house.. and it was the night of Christmas Eve, when my friend offered if I wanted to smoke weed for the first time... I felt hesitant at first, because this was my first time to smoke anything for the first time - we both knew this, and I just didn't know what to expect...
1.2. As I watched my friend take a hit out of a pipe that she made out of foil - it got me curious... what does it feel like to be high? I contemplated on how I've been raised with the mentality of how drugs are bad and I've never tried any drugs in my life - my parents never did drugs, nor have I been offered drugs in my life - ever at all... but then again there was a part of me that wanted to take that chance - trying something new for a change... smoking a little weed couldn't be too bad, right?
1.3. I still felt a little indecisive and I had so many questions in mind for her before I decided to try it... I asked her:
1.3.1. What exactly does it feel like when you get high?
1.3.2. How long does the high last?
1.3.3. Will my parents notice if I'm high?
1.3.4. What am I supposed to if I get too high?
1.3.5. What's the worst that could happen?
1.4. I had so many more other questions.. and she answered all of them and assured me that I'll be okay - we're doing it in a safe place, and she'll guide me throughout my first time, and make this experience memorable and enjoyable... I put myself in the right mindset and never felt more excited to smoke weed for the first time.
1.5. After I took my first hit, I just couldn't forget the persistent awful coughing and I've so hard tried to make myself stop but I just simply couldn't... and my lungs and throat felt like they were on fire and felt so itchy! I wasn't expecting to felt was so unpleasant... once, I was able to catch my breath I asked her if the coughing and that burning throat feeling is normal... and if the coughing will ever go away - and she said yes for my very first time and when you hit some really good kush - but the coughing will eventually go away when you smoke reggie. She apologized for not warning me about the first time coughs, and felt so bad.. I understand it's probably been awhile for her. Once my throat felt better - I still wanted to take a couple more hits... my friend tried to show me how to light the bowl myself, but I just couldn't get the lighter to light - so she helped me out. Shortly after passed the pipe to each other... at that very moment I think I felt high - I got lost in my mind right after smoking - I just felt really good... I was having conversations with my friend - that was just right next to me.. though all in my head. I still recall exactly what I was imagining at the time - an octopus used down on a skull and I didn't even question its existence.
2. Throughout the past 8 years - I've been experimenting with new substances, while still using weed
2.1. Ecstasy pills
2.1.1. I experimented with ecstasy pills - while I was a freshman... I remember I took a white dragonfly - I was with my friend Cynthia, I was staying with because this was around the time I ran away from home - I enjoyed the light tingles all over my body, how my heart rate increases, I felt so warm and pleasant, slightly overheated as if I am tripping in a crowded indoor setting such as a party or a club. I remember dancing in front of her boyfriend's car outside, like I have loads of energy while still not feeling stressed and like I NEED to do this or that. In between periods of dancing I will be able to sit down, take a deep breathe, and usually I will let out a deep sigh of pure happiness because I am filled with utter bliss. Since then I would normally do ecstasy pills at raves and at some parties
2.2. Alcohol
2.2.1. I started drinking alcohol for the first time the same night I did ecstasy.. my friend and I were drinking MD2020's and I was halfway finished with my bottle - and I just remember that warm feeling in your stomach - and that's when you know you're already fucked up... I was never really much of a drinker - and the older I got, certain drinks would give me heart burn, and I just rather not drink - I would have to be in the mood to drink.
2.3. Shrooms
2.3.1. I've only experimented with shrooms a few times and and I didn't expect to go on my first shroom trip alone, but I did anyway... because my friend thought if I did shrooms with her at her house and I started tripping, and started doing some weird shit and her mom walks in - how would we even explain that to her - if we're all fucked up? So I saw her point - waited until my parents went to bed, and ate the shrooms... and oh man, the excessive yawning before you start tripping... I just remember was watching Jersey Shore at the time - and everyone on that show, looked like they were made out of clay, and I was just laying in bed - just seeing mad visuals all around my room.. and I starred at my ceiling fan for the longest time - I started seeing two airplanes chasing each other...
2.4. Acid
2.4.1. I only experimented with acid once - with my friends from high school, we all slept over at my friend Kelly's house - and that same day our mutual friend Moses was having a party who lived close by her - so we all walked to his house, I can't really recall exactly what I felt but the vibes I was getting from my friends were tripping me out because they kept thinking these two guys were trying to get them in a van to have sex with them, when they we're at all, and Moses knew we we're on acid and tried to make us freak out by telling us that we're melting - it didn't work on me, but it worked on my friend Courtney
2.5. Cocaine
2.5.1. I experimented with cocaine in my senior year of high school - I would use it mostly when I would go out to parties with Benny, then I started using more after I graduated high school - we would just do coke because it keeps us up.
2.5.1.1. Once my dad retired from the Army - he asked me if I knew where to get coke - and I did - and I guess he likes it, and me and Benny would make money of my dad every time he would get coke, He tried smoking weed with me too - but he didn't like it because it made him cough. To this day, my dad no long uses drugs.
2.6. Opiates
2.6.1. I wasn't trying to experiment with opiates - at this point I don't remember exactly what was going on but I was up for days already, my mind wasn't in the right place... I don't recall if I was fighting with Benny at the time, but I was trying to overdose off opiates - Hydrocodone to be exact... I took a handful of them. Then suddenly I felt like throwing up, and once I threw up - I felt uncontrollably itchy all over my body, and I knew this was one of the side effects.
2.7. Meth
2.7.1. I started using meth because at that moment I think I was already wired of coke.. and I was at some house with Benny, I noticed he kept going in and out a room - so I went in there, to see what he was doing.. I thought he was doing more coke, but when I asked him what he was doing he said something that I got caught him doing last week - which was him smoking meth... at first, I was really against smoking meth - for no particular reason... I just felt like it was one of the worst drugs out there... But after he told me that, I said I wanted to try it - handed me some money to give to the guy that was supplying it... and I snorted it for my first time - I didn't feel a thing.. probably because I'm already wired... But I was just waiting for Benny to do his line - and he finally tells me that he never snorts it, he's gonna smoke it. And I wanted to smoke it too - since that day, I fell in love with it.
3. Step 2: Regular use
3.1. I smoked weed 3 - 4 times out of the week when I was a freshman in high school.. I would meet up with my neighbor and her friends during lunch at the park sometimes - I was always with my 4 other friends that were in the same grade as me, but they weren't into drugs but wouldn't mind when I would go smoke with my neighbor for lunch sometimes.
3.2. Later on the year - I got to meet new people and make new friends, and some of them also smoke weed too, I even met a few people who sell it too -so I finally have my own connect... so I started smoking weed a little more often to where I feel like I wanted adapt to this kind of lifestyle into my life because from all my experiences so far with weed - I enjoyed every minute of it and I've wanted to learn more about weed - because I know there's different strains, other ways you can use it, and other ways you can smoke weed of but I didn't know much about it - I even want someone to teach me to roll a joint or a blunt one day.
3.3. Since I started smoking more - I haven't hang out with my friends in awhile, I invited them to come hang out with me at the park for lunch and warned them don't feel any pressure to smoke if they don't want too.. And they actually came through - I thought they would be mad at me for not hanging out with them in so long, but they all looked so happy to see me - we all talked and caught up, while I smoked during lunch.. one of my friends that came for lunch asked me if she could hit some weed and I told her sure, if you really want too - I asked her if she knew how to smoke, and she said she did, then she passed it to my other friend, then passed it to the other.. long story short I was so happy and amazed that all my friends smoke weed now!
3.3.1. I would "wake & bake" every morning before I would take the bus to school.. I noticed why I enjoyed smoking weed so much.. I feel like it doesn't make me feel so shy around other people.. it helps me slightly come out of my shell
3.3.2. I've also never been mentally evaluated when I was younger because my parents thought I was mentally stable, that I seemed 'fine.' But for many years I couldn't figure out what it was exactly, but I know I wasn't 100% fine.. but when I smoke weed, it eases my anxiety and depression.. And everything is so much better when you're high - from the food, to the music, to the atmosphere, to the vibes with you get with people, to the sleep!
3.4. One day, I just made an impetuous decision went to go smoke behind the fine arts building by myself - thinking I wasn't going to get caught.. but suddenly out of nowhere all these other potheads just started showing up out of nowhere, then I got into some serious trouble... this is the first time I got into any trouble at school and my parents were surprised and super pissed because they had to pick me up from the holding cell at the police station. I wasn't afraid of being arrested or anything of that sort - I was more afraid of my parents more than anything... Despite the fact that I got arrested for smoking weed on school grounds and possession - that didn't make me want to quit, at least not completely... but because of my arrest - I was ordered to complete 3 - 6 months of deferred probation with 20 hours of community service, which I completed in 4 months. Although my mom assumed that I wasn't going to do drugs anymore - after that incident, but she was wrong..
3.4.1. My neighbor got busted with weed in purse at one of the checkpoints heading back from Van Horne - her brother kicked her out of his house - and I never saw her again
3.5. One of my other friends got caught with weed on school campus - I don't remember how she got caught but it was right before I did.. but somehow she blamed her getting caught on me
4. Stage 5: Addiction
4.1. I never considered myself as an addict until I went into rehab... that's when I was able to get my mind around it... that I am a recovering addict... But during my active addiction, if I've always thought of these dilemmas in my head - that if someone ever did call me a drug addict I would make it very clear to them and tell then that see I myself as a, "functioning addict" or you could also see it as a drug USER, not a drug ABUSER.. because with the perceptive that I had before, I really thought I could still manage to live life as a "productive member of society" and still under the influence, because for the most part I was able to hide it very well.
4.2. I didn't realize I had an addiction until I found out I was 3 months pregnant on February 6th... I honestly wasn't ready to quit smoking but I wasn't going to give up this baby either (again) - so I set myself a date which was February 26th of 2018.. after that day, I wouldn't smoke any meth anymore, at least until after the baby was born. I was able to stop using for about 2 - 3 weeks with no problems - I felt okay, but I knew for a fact that I wasn't strong-minded at all - I couldn't be around anyone using it in front of me and I couldn't even be around anyone who would go to another room just to smoke and then come back to hangout with me - because I know exactly what they're doing and where it is... I could just easily go over there and hit the piece myself... and I thought I made that very clear to my boyfriend, that I didn't want him smoking around me PERIOD. and I thought he would ,make it easier for me and quit smoking with me throughout the pregnancy - but he didn't, he just wouldn't smoke around me..
4.3. Thats I just decided to stay at my house more so I'm not around the temptation at all, because I just know myself... but after awhile my boyfriend would get mad and felt like I didn't want to be with him after he got me pregnant - when that was definitely not the case at all.. It just frustrates me that he still just didn't seem to understand why I didn't want to be at his house... after I told him why. After we talked, I started coming over to his house again, knowing the risks I'm putting myself in... but when those pregnancy hormones start raging and those intense cravings start creeping up - I would randomly become a real bitch and actually get aggressive towards my boyfriend... at first I had a huge feeling he was cheating on me, but then I realized it probably wasn't even that... It's because I wanted to smoke dope when I know I shouldn't... he finally asked me what was wrong with me? I didn't even say a word - I just looked at him, then looked at the pipe... he already knew why I've been so mad. I can already tell by the look in his eyes, that he doesn't want to let me hit it... so he just hands it to me, and tell me "do what you want" - He always tells me that - just to make me feel bad, it usually works - most of the time..
5. Stage 3: Risky use
5.1. Stolen medical supplies like needles and trays, things like that from the clinic when I used to work there
5.1.1. Smoking meth while working at the clinic - in the bathroom, the triage room, the break room, the lab
5.1.2. Smoking meth in other public bathrooms - hospitals
5.2. I used to drive when I was drunk and high off weed and meth - a few times
5.2.1. Selling ecstasy to a girl from the private school
5.3. I stole all my dad's Hydrocodone bottle pills to make money or trade for meth at the time.
5.3.1. Shoplifting - Walmart, Ft. Bliss: PX
5.4. I stole money from my mom's bank account to start selling weed on my own
5.4.1. Making fake doctors notes in high school
5.4.1.1. Forgery
5.4.2. Sold fake Sun City print out tickets - to buy myself and my friend our own tickets
5.5. Stealing beer and drinks from the bar
5.6. Pawning my electronics, movies - even my clarinet to get cash for coke
5.6.1. Used my car to go out and party without permission, and not noticed that it was gone all night
5.6.2. Used my dad's Mustang - to go pick up some drugs - while he was away in the Philippines - my mom never knew about this
5.7. Running away from home, missing school
6. Previous relapse(s)
6.1. I never had any previous relapses - because I never felt like I needed to get sober until now - I have a daughter, and I just need to grow up and get my shit together. August 13th 2018 - January 25th, 2019: I had 165 days clean right before I relapsed... and I would've had more if I never relapsed in the first place. I just got out of rehab for about 2 weeks - Before I relapsed, I've been reached out and talked to Joe, when I first felt like using - this was a week before I actually slipped... but what triggered me at the time, was the feelings I was going through because of the things I was that was going on between the father of my daughter and myself... the situation is just so complicated to explain, but long story short - I finally realized what I wanted out our relationship - and I told him that I didn't want a relationship with him at all... but I tried so hard to not make it painful, like I told him that we can be civil towards each other, but we're not going to have one of those kind "relationships" - you can see ElsaMay when HomeSafe says its okay or when you start treatment
7. Stage 4: Dependence
7.1. At this point - I've been using meth for over a year now, I don't think the clinic or my parents noticed that I've been using meth, my parents are only aware that I still smoke weed sometimes... but I realized I became dependent on meth when I started getting having complaints when I used to work at the clinic, I was told that my I haven't been putting as much effort into my work as I should be from one of the providers I worked with, that I would sleep in the triage room, I would take out the supplies for the night clinic but wouldn't put them back them where they belong when we close, and I would call into work many times with very short notice... I spoke with my manager and told her that I stopped sleeping in the triage room - a long time ago, but with all the other complaints - I made the corrections I needed to do at work such as I managed to put in all my effort in everything I do while working at the clinic, I stopped calling in and made sure I work my scheduled shift, and I wouldn't take out supplies unless the provider ordered them for a patient. but I was still using while I was working.
7.1.1. There was this one day I had to go to the hospital because I had really bad back pain and body aches, headaches, sensitive to light, chills, fever, nausea, and that strong, persistent urge to urinate - despite feelings like this for 3 days before I went to a urgent care clinic, after I felt like I couldn't put up with feeling like this any longer - I still wanted to smoke meth, because I thought using would make me feel better.
7.1.2. I've been getting services for my mental health with Emergence Health Network for a couple months at this point - but I didn't tell them that I was using substances, at the time I didn't realize that could be a HUGE factor and could really affect my diagnoses... and that's probably why my medications aren't working for me.