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by Andrew Wilcox
1. Ian Greig ones are good for umpires
1.1. Easier to spot deflections
2. Boxes x 3
2.1. Gives you two minutes to wash the outgoing one
3. With a brewery preferably
4. For the toss
5. Preparing, serving and washing up the tea
6. Not alcholic
6.1. Mind you Pimms would be a nice change
7. High Security Cage
8. Taking you back home after the pub closes
9. Umpires
9.1. 2 one for either end
9.2. A standby umpire is useful in case one of the others proves unable or too able to give LBWs
9.3. A 3rd umpire is of no use unless your game is being covered by the BBC, Channel 5 or Sky
9.4. Coins or small stones
9.4.1. 6 of
10. Ball
10.1. At least one new one
10.2. Maybe two
11. dsd
11.1. Preferably planted for several years
11.2. Mown recently
11.3. Covering a circle approx. 100 yards diameter
11.4. With a square
11.4.1. тьттитиьти
12. Weather
12.1. Dry
12.2. Warm
12.3. Not too hot
13. Wooden bits
13.1. Bails
13.1.1. 4 light
13.1.1.1. and a spare or two
13.1.2. 4 heavy
13.1.2.1. and a spare or two
13.1.2.2. Note for Scotsmen
13.1.2.2.1. You cannot drink these
13.2. Sightscreens
13.2.1. White
13.2.2. Taller than a bowlers arm
13.3. Boundary markers (+ rope)
13.4. Stumps x 6
13.4.1. and a spare or two
14. Players
14.1. Gentlemen
14.1.1. Do pay them
14.2. Professionals
14.2.1. Only pay them if you win
14.3. Amateur
14.3.1. Don't expect too much
14.3.2. But be prepared for a surprise
14.4. Ladies
14.4.1. It could happen
15. Tea
15.1. This also means
15.1.1. Sandwiches
15.1.2. Cake
15.1.3. Cocktail Sausages
15.1.4. Cheriton Pie if its a home game in Cheriton Hampshire
15.2. If anyone asks for coffee
15.2.1. Collect their match fee
15.2.2. And send them to Starbucks
16. Groupies
16.1. Useful for
16.1.1. Massage
17. Drinks
17.1. After 20 overs or 90 minutes play
18. Location
18.1. Next to a pub
18.1.1. And good lunch time food
18.1.2. Their evening menu should be irrellevant
18.1.2.1. Indicates a tea failure otherwise
18.2. Kids playground
18.2.1. or
18.2.1.1. Ball park
19. Kit Bag
19.1. Pads
19.1.1. Don't forget wicket keepers pads
19.1.1.1. Unless you have a 7' 6" one
19.2. Gloves
19.3. Thigh Pad
19.3.1. One - batsmen can share
19.4. Bats
19.4.1. Go on be modern and have a Moongoose
20. Laws of Cricket
20.1. Lords Version
20.2. The lesser spotted ones
20.3. Fast Bowling Directives for Young Players
20.3.1. Mods for 2010
21. Scorer
21.1. They do three things after each bal.
21.1.1. Umpires may only do one
21.2. The most under appreciated and essentail part of the game
22. Scoreboard Operator
22.1. A overly simple task
22.2. Required Competencies
22.2.1. Ability to communicate with the scorrer
22.2.2. Numeracy
22.2.3. or
22.2.3.1. Can push buttons
22.2.3.2. Pull levers
22.2.3.3. Move tin plates around
23. First Aid Kit
23.1. Tooth glue
23.2. Arnica
23.3. Duct Tape
23.3.1. Repairs
23.3.1.1. Bats
23.3.1.2. Stumps
23.3.1.3. Pads
23.3.2. Useful for splints
23.4. Pain Killers
23.4.1. Aspirin
23.4.2. Paracetemol
23.4.3. Nurofen
23.4.4. Shotgun
23.5. Burial at Field
23.5.1. Spade
23.5.2. Pick Axe
23.5.3. Roller
24. Coin
25. Practice equipment
25.1. Net
25.2. Catching
25.2.1. Trampoline
25.2.2. Cradle