1. How to read this thing
1.1. (Obviously, you start at the top...)
1.2. I swear it makes sense...
1.2.1. Each idea is expressed in order, moving out from the center.
1.2.1.1. Ideas may have sub-ideas.
1.2.1.2. Maybe even multiple sub-ideas.
1.2.1.2.1. And I expand on those as they make sense.
1.2.1.2.2. Kinda like this
1.2.1.2.3. And this
2. Original epiphany
2.1. What? -- no "why".
2.1.1. I had a moment satori while dipping bread into some especially swirly olive oil.
2.1.1.1. Who knows why insights come at weird times like that.
2.1.1.2. It could have something to do with the swirls. They were especially swirly.
2.1.1.2.1. I think, to be truthful, I was pondering the way at which we arrive at any kind of abstract expression of the swirls.
2.1.2. As already mentioned, as part of how we grow up, we are predisposed to ask "why" on an existential level.
2.1.2.1. However, even though life is what inspires that question, it also spurns us for asking it.
2.1.2.1.1. Life is the sort of thing where "why" is not even a sensible question.
2.1.2.1.2. This leaves a void for a meaningful existential question to construct one's own life.
3. Initial Predicament
3.1. Death is a hard subject for me.
3.1.1. Dying itself isn't so bad...
3.1.2. It's the possible lack of any meaningful "afterwards" that's terrifying...
3.1.2.1. Sometimes I can't sleep because I'm up thinking about how it will be to die.
3.1.2.1.1. I think about dying in very real ways on a daily basis.
3.1.2.2. A part of me feels like it's experienced "nothing" before, and my body feels like it's burning and cold all at once each time my mind explores that state.
3.1.2.2.1. While there are obvious religious inferences one could make, I have a hunch that those don't apply.
3.1.2.3. The vacancy of consciousness hurts because I want more.
3.1.2.3.1. Of course, this is nothing new; this is a common theme in stories.
3.1.2.3.2. Counterpoint: if there is no more consciousness, then it can't hurt, amirite?
3.1.3. TL;DR: the thought of dying and never being conscious again makes me sad, and I can't stop thinking about it.
3.1.3.1. And I don't feel like I have an obvious solution to it.
3.1.3.2. (or not-so-obvious solution)
4. Second Predicament
4.1. Wait, what is my why?
4.1.1. This is a pretty cliché question, not gonna lie...
4.1.1.1. But I think we all ask it; it's part of being human.
4.1.1.2. Also, it's a pretty fair follow-up question. "You exist because of a why." "Well, what is it? :S"
4.1.1.2.1. When we're kids, we play games and pretend. This involves a few things that are pretty intense thought-wise:
4.1.1.3. Okay, let's ignore for a moment that the question itself is fairly cliché. It's, at least at first blush, a very reasonable question to ask.
4.1.1.3.1. The first thing to examine is what to do we mean when we ask "why"?
5. Conclusion
5.1. So... what now?
5.1.1. I dunno.
5.1.2. I'll write more later...