The Four Basic Styles of Communication

1. PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE COMMUNICATION

1.1. Passive-Aggressive communicators will often:  mutter to themselves rather than confront the person or issue  have difficulty acknowledging their anger  use facial expressions that don't match how they feel - i.e., smiling when angry  use sarcasm  deny there is a problem

1.2. The passive-aggressive communicator will say, believe, or behave like:  “I’m weak and resentful, so I sabotage, frustrate, and disrupt.”  “I’m powerless to deal with you head on so I must use guerilla warfare.”  “I will appear cooperative but I’m not.

2. ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION

2.1. Assertive communicators will:  state needs and wants clearly, appropriately, and respectfully  express feelings clearly, appropriately, and respectfully  use “I” statements  communicate respect for others  listen well without interrupting  feel in control of self  have good eye contact

2.2. The impact of a pattern of assertive communication is that these individuals:  feel connected to others  feel in control of their lives  are able to mature because they address issues and problems as they arise  create a respectful environment for others to grow and mature

2.3. The assertive communicator will say, believe, or behave in a way that says:  “We are equally entitled to express ourselves respectfully to one another.”  “I am confident about who I am.”  “I realize I have choices in my life and I consider my options.”  “I speak clearly, honestly, and to the point.”  “I can’t control others but I can control myself.”  “I place a high priority on having my rights respected.”

3. PASSIVE COMMUNICATION

3.1. Passive communicators will often:  fail to assert for themselves  allow others to deliberately or inadvertently infringe on their rights  fail to express their feelings, needs, or opinions  tend to speak softly or apologetically  exhibit poor eye contact and slumped body posture.

3.2. The impact of a pattern of passive communication is that these individuals:  often feel anxious because life seems out of their control  often feel depressed because they feel stuck and hopeless  often feel resentful (but are unaware of it) because their needs are not being met  often feel confused because they ignore their own feelings  are unable to mature because real issues are never addressed

3.3. A passive communicator will say, believe, or behave like:  “I’m unable to stand up for my rights.”  “I don’t know what my rights are.”  “I get stepped on by everyone."  “I’m weak and unable to take care of myself.”  “People never consider my feelings.”

4. AGGRESSIVE COMMUNICATION i

4.1. Aggressive communicators will often:  try to dominate others  use humiliation to control others  criticize, blame, or attack others  be very impulsive  have low frustration tolerance  speak in a loud, demanding, and overbearing voice  act threateningly and rudely  not listen well  interrupt frequently  use “you” statements

4.2. The aggressive communicator will say, believe, or behave like:  “I’m superior and right and you’re inferior and wrong.”  “I’m loud, bossy and pushy.”  “I can dominate and intimidate you.”  “I can violate your rights.”  “I’ll get my way no matter what.”  “You’re not worth anything.”  “It’s all your fault.”  “I react instantly.”  “I’m entitled.”  “You owe me.”  “I own you.”