1. 6. Keep your best self out of my gathering
1.1. 15 ways to make a conference or any gathering SUCK LESS
1.1.1. The story of "A good life" themed dinner party
1.1.1.1. Stories connect us.
1.1.1.2. Strip away titles, and egos and showing up authentically as humans is the best and fastest way to connect as human to human.
1.1.2. Actually there were no 15 ways listed in the book. She meant it as 15 Toast where 15 people get to tell a story and give a toast to what is a good life
1.2. As an introvert I hate gatherings especially gatherings without a clear purpose, or events that make me feel I do not belong. But good events are worth the time, if it gathers people who are able to make decisions to make better policies, and create new paths, and new cultures.
1.3. Sprout speeches NOT stump speeches
1.3.1. Stump speeches are the strongest and most durable part of the tree.
1.3.2. Sprouts are the newest and weakest part of the tree. Its still growing.
1.3.2.1. Crucible moments
1.3.2.2. sprout speeches turn out to be the most interesting and letting people connect.
2. 7. Cause good controversy
2.1. This chapter talks about how controversy can be a good thing in gatherings.
2.1.1. Controversy helps clarify what you want to do, what you stand for, and who you are.
2.1.2. In gatherings, it is considered rude to talk about sex, politics and religion because the impulse is not to make waves.
2.1.2.1. Started as early as 1723 in the Freemasons society. The idea is airing differences is no good and harmony is meant to be instilled.
2.1.3. Cage Fight Technique
2.1.3.1. Create two teams. opposing teams make compelling arguments on why a cause matter. The other team members have to make a choice.
2.1.4. Many people suffer from the desire to not offend and as a result, there is a habit of standing by the sidelines. Or saying nothing.
2.1.5. Benefits to good controversy
2.1.5.1. There are societies that carve out space for conflict and controversy.
2.1.5.1.1. But when it is over, it is over.
2.1.5.2. Good controversy help people look more closely on what matters to them, what they care about.
2.1.5.2.1. reminds us of our non negotiables.
2.1.5.3. Embracing good controversy is embracing the idea that harmony doesn't necessarily the highest value in a gathering.
2.1.5.4. Good controversy is generative rather than preservation.
2.1.5.4.1. It leads to something more or better than the status quo.
2.1.5.5. As I think about my own values of inner harmony, and growth, I realized that harmony can be an impediment because I am not willing to ruffle feathers. However good controversy can lead to potential and unexpected growth if we choose to embrace it.
2.1.6. How to create good controversy
2.1.6.1. 1. Make the implicit to explicit by ritualizing it.
2.1.6.2. 2. Create a temporary world within the larger gathering.
2.1.6.3. 3. Create pop-up rules and make it playful or safe.
2.1.7. Heat Maps, Safe Spaces, and Ground Rules
2.1.7.1. Heat maps are issues that affect of threaten people's fears, needs, and a sense of self.
2.1.7.1.1. or poke at a sense of power
2.1.7.2. Ask these questions
2.1.7.2.1. What are people avoiding that they don't think they are avoiding?
2.1.7.2.2. What are the sacred cows here?
2.1.7.2.3. What goes unsaid?
2.1.7.2.4. What we are trying to protect and why?
2.1.7.2.5. you learn these from interviewing people.
2.1.7.3. Set ground rules to create safety
2.1.7.3.1. What do you need to feel safe? What do you need from this group to be willing to take a risk in this conversation today?
2.1.7.4. What is the gift? What is the risk?
2.1.7.4.1. Controversy is a risk. However, there is also a gift behind it.
3. 8. Accept there is an end
3.1. Closing a gathering is as important as opening one.
3.1.1. Here's what usually happens at a closing. People assume guests would know when to leave and then they would go. But the missed opportunity here is to create an impact for people to remember the event if we choose to let guests disperse.
3.1.2. Do not end with logistics.
3.1.3. As gatherings are social contracts, there should be a way to honor guests commitment and time to attending it. Guests should also leave with something.
3.1.4. "Great hosts, like great actors, understand that how you end things, like how you begin them, shapes people's experience, sense of meaning, and memory"
3.2. People have the tendency to prolong a gathering when they do not accept that there is an ending to it.
3.2.1. Anecdote
3.2.1.1. The Zen Center for Contemplative Care
3.2.1.1.1. does not accept any suggestions for prolonging any course even if there are demands.
3.2.1.1.2. There is a preparation before the end.
3.3. "Last call is not a closing; its the beginning of an outbound ushering"
3.3.1. It is a signal to wind down.
3.4. Make a decision when is "last of the twenty people left on the dance floor"
3.5. The Anatomy of a Closing
3.5.1. A strong closing consists of two phases (corresponding to the needs among the guests)
3.5.1.1. Looking inward
3.5.1.1.1. Take a moment to understand, remember, acknowledge, and reflect on what just transpired and to bond one last time as a group
3.5.1.2. Looking outward
3.5.1.2.1. Preparing to part from one another and retake your place in the world
3.5.2. Never end a gathering with logistics
3.5.2.1. Do the thank you as the second last to-thing in a gathering
3.5.3. Help guests cross over an exit line
3.5.3.1. can be the crossing over of a gate
3.5.3.2. a clap
3.5.3.3. Jewish way of ending a funeral
3.5.3.3.1. The person presiding the funeral asks everyone except the family members to form two lines facing one another.
3.5.3.4. Or no goodbye
3.5.3.4.1. just leave quietly
4. 1. Decide why you're really gathering
4.1. In this chapter, the author talks about intentionality behind every gathering or event.
4.2. She provided a chart to help people navigate through determining the purpose.
4.3. Make purpose your bouncer
4.3.1. This means knowing why you are gathering, and letting your participants know why they are convening for a reason
5. 2. Close Doors
5.1. Who
5.1.1. Guest list
5.1.1.1. We often include just for the sake of courtesy, and expectations.
5.2. Where
5.2.1. Your venue determines how your guests will view the event.
6. 3. Don't be a Chill Host
6.1. Chill is selfishness disguised as kindness.
6.1.1. No one wants to sail on a skipperless sailboat.
7. 4. Create a temporary alternative world
7.1. Creating rules for your event to guide guests on how to act and also to make sure purpose is fulfilled
8. 5. Never start a funeral with logistics
8.1. I. Priming
8.1.1. "Your gathering begins at the moment your guests first learn of it"
8.1.2. The 90 percent rule
8.1.2.1. 90% of what makes a gathering successful is put in place beforehand.
8.1.3. A gathering is a social contract.
8.1.3.1. A social contract answers this question: 1. What am I willing to give - physically, psychologically, financially, emotionally, and otherwise in return for what I expect to receive?
8.2. Notes
8.2.1. Priming example: Felix Barrett's bachelor party
8.2.1.1. Mysterious and cryptic invite - treasure hunt - kidnapped - find 30 mens in hooded robes - his bachelor party
8.2.2. Find creative ways to name to evoke the feeling you want to create from the event.
8.2.2.1. Workshop as visioning labs
8.2.2.2. office hours as community table
8.3. II. Ushering
8.3.1. The idea is helping your guests transition into your event.
8.3.1.1. Passages and doorways
8.3.1.1.1. Notes:
8.3.1.2. Creating palate cleanser events
8.3.1.2.1. wearing noise cancelling headphones once entered into a broadway
8.4. III. Launching
8.4.1. The opening is the moment to sear into the minds of invitees the gathering purpose.
8.4.1.1. Awe and honor the guests
8.4.1.1.1. When you awe as a host, you are putting yourself, and your gathering above your guests
8.4.1.1.2. When you honor, you are placing your guests above you.
8.4.1.2. After you awe and honor your guests, you need to make them into a group.
8.4.1.2.1. A pledge is one way to bind your guests. Example: Tough Mudder "The true prize of the challenge is to cross the finish line together"
8.4.1.2.2. Help your guests see and be seen by one another