Never Split the Difference Chris Voss With Tahl Raz

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Never Split the Difference Chris Voss With Tahl Raz by Mind Map: Never Split the Difference Chris Voss With Tahl Raz

1. 11. Prepare a negotiation one sheet

1.1. Section 1: The goal

1.1.1. Think through best/worst-case scenarios but only write down a specific goal that represent the best case

1.1.2. The center piece of the traditional preparation dynamic- and its greatest Achilles heel- is something called BATNA The problem is that BATNA tricks negotiators into aiming low. Researchers have found that humans have a limited capacity for keeping focus in complex, stressful situations like negotiations Aiming low is seductive. It's easier to claim victory when you aim low So id BATNA is not your centerpiece, what should be?

1.1.3. I tell my clients that as part of their preparation they should think about the outcome extremes: best and worst My advice is to just stick with the high-end goal, as it will motivate and focus your psychological powers Bottom line: People expect mode (and articulate it) get more.

1.1.4. Here are four steps for setting your goal Set an optimistic but reasonable goal and define it clearly Write it down Discuss your goal with colleague (This makes it harder to wimp out) Carry written goal into negotiation

1.2. Section 2: Summary

1.2.1. Summarize and write out in just a couple of sentences the known facts have led up to the negotiation.

1.2.2. You had better be ready to respond with tactical empathy to your counterpart's arguments; unless they are incompetent, the other party will co me prepared to argue an interpretation of the facts that favors them

1.2.3. You have to clearly describe the lay of the land before you can think about acting in its confines. Why are you there ? What do you want? What do they want? Why?

1.3. Section 3: Labels/Accusation Audit

1.3.1. Prepare three to five labels to perform an accusation audit

1.3.2. Anticipate how your counterpart feels about these facts you've just summarized

1.3.3. No matter how unfair or ridiculous they might be. Then turn each accusation into a list of no more that five labels and spend a little time role-playing

1.3.4. Fill in the blank labels that can be used every situation to extract information from your counterpart, or defuse an accusation It seems like ____________ is valuable to you It seems like you do not like ____________ It seem like you value ____________ It seems like ____________ makes it easier It seems like you are reluctant to ____________

1.4. Section 4: Calibrated questions

1.4.1. Effective negotiators look past their counterparts' stated positions (What the party demands) and delve into their underlying motivations (What is making them want what they want) Motivations are what they are worried about and what they hope for, even lust for.

1.4.2. Figuring out what the other party is worried about sounds simple, but our basic human expectations about negotiation often get in the way. Most of us tend to assume that the needs of the other side conflict with your own

1.4.3. Great negotiators get past these blinders by being relentlessly curious about what really motivating the other side. "You must accept the reality of other people. You think that reality is up for negotiation, that we think it's whatever you say it is. You must accept that we are as real as you are; you must accept that you are not God"

1.4.4. Small group of "What" and "How" questions What are you trying to accomplish? How is that worthwhile? What is the core issue here? How does that affect things? What is the biggest challenge you face? How does this fit into what the objective is?

1.4.5. 1. Questions to identify behind the table deal killers When implementation happens by committee, the support of that committee is the key. You will want to tailor your calibrated questions to identify and unearth the motivation of those behind the table, including: How does this affect the rest or your team? How on board are the people not in this call? What do your colleagues see as their main challenges in this area?

1.4.6. 2. Questions to identify and diffuse deal killing issues Internal negotiation influence often sits with the people who are most comfortable with things as they are. Change make them look as if they haven't been doing their job. Your dilemma in a such negotiation is how to make them look good in the face of that change you will be tempted to concentrate on money, but that aside for now. A surprisingly high percentage of negotiations hinge on something outside dollars and cents. Often they have more to do with self esteem, status, autonomy, and other nonfinancial needs, Think about their perceived losses. Never forget that a loss stings at least twice as much ar an equivalent gain.

1.4.7. 3. Questions to unearth the deal killing issues What are we up against here? What is the biggest challenge you face? How does making a deal with us affect things? What happens if you do npthing? What does doing nothing cost you? How does making this deal resonate with what your company prides itself on? It is often effective to ask there in groups of two or three as they are similar enough that they help your counterpart think about the same thing from different angels Be ready to execute follow-up labels to their answers to calibrated questions It seems like ______ is importnt It seems you feel like my company is in a unique position to _____________

1.5. Section 5: Noncash offers

1.5.1. Prepare a list of non cash items possessed by your counterpart that would be valuable.

1.5.2. Ask your self: "What could they give that would almost get us to do it for free?"

2. 10. Find the BlackSwan How to create breakthoughs by revealing unkown unkowns

2.1. As Taleb uses the term, the Black Swan symbolizes the uselessness of predictions based on previous experience. Black Swans are events or prices of knowledge that sit outside our regular expectation and therefore cannot be predicted.

2.2. Most important are those things we do not know that we do not know, pieces of information we've never imagined but that would be game changing in uncovered

2.3. They couldn't see the Black Swans in front of them.

2.4. Uncovering the Unknowns

2.4.1. Every case is new. We must let what we know- our knows-guide us but not bling us to what we do not know; we must remain flexible and adaptable to any situation

2.4.2. There are at least three Black Swans, three pieces of information that, were they to be discovered bt the other side, would change everything.

2.4.3. Finding and acting on Black Swans mandates a shift in your mindset. It takes negotiation from being a one dimensional move - counterpartmove game of checkers to three dimensional game that's more emotional, adaptive, intuitive and truly effective

2.4.4. Remember, negotiation is more like walking on tightrope than competing against an opponent. Focusing so the end objective will only distract you from the next step, and that cause you to fall off the rope. Concentrate on the next step because the rope will lead you to the end as long asall the steps are completed

2.5. Three types of levarage

2.5.1. The party who feels they have more to lose and are the most afraid of that loss has less leverage, and vise versa.

2.5.2. To get leverage, you have to persuade your counterpart that they have something real to lose if the deal falls through

2.5.3. 1. Positive Positive leverage is quite simply your ability as a negotiator to provide or withhold things that your counterpart wants.

2.5.4. 2. Negative It's a negotiator's ability to make his counterpart suffer. It is based on threats you have negative leverage if you can tell your counterpart, "If you don't fulfill your commitment/pay your bill. I will destroy your reputation. This sort of leverage gets people's attention because of a concept we've discussed: loss aversion. As effective negotiators have long known and psychologists have repeatedly proved, potential losses loom larger in the human mind that do similar gains. Threats can be like nuclear bombs. There will be a toxic residue that will be difficult to clean up. If you show your negative leverage down your counterpart's throat, it might be perceived as you taking away their autonomy. They will all least act irrationally and shut off negotiation. A more subtle technique is to label your negative leverage and thereby make it clear without attacking Sentences like - can really open up the negotiation process This sort of leverage gets people's attention because of a concept we've discussed: loss aversion. As effective negotiators have long known and psychologists have repeatedly proved, potential losses loom larger in the human mind that do similar gains. Threats can be like nuclear bombs. There will be a toxic residue that will be difficult to clean up. If you show your negative leverage down your counterpart's throat, it might be perceived as you taking away their autonomy. They will all least act irrationally and shut off negotiation. A more subtle technique is to label your negative leverage and thereby make it clear without attacking Sentences like - can really open up the negotiation process "It seems like you strongly value the fact that you have always paid on time" "it seems like you do not care what position you are leaving me in"

2.5.5. 3. Normative Every person has a set of rules and moral framework Normative leverage is using the other party's norms and standards to advance your position If you can show inconsistencies between their beliefs and their actions, you have normative leverage. No one like a hypocrite

2.6. Know their religion

2.6.1. Review Everything you hear. You will not hear everything the first time, so double check. Compare notes with your team members. You will often discover new information that will help you advance the negotiation

2.6.2. Use backup listeners whose job is to listen between the lines. They will hear things you miss

2.6.3. In other words: listen, listen again, and listen some more.

2.6.4. We have seen how a holistic understanding of your counterpart's "religion" - a huge Black Swan- can provide normative leverage.

2.7. The Similarity Principle

2.7.1. Known for ages: namely, we trust people more when we view them as being similar of familiar

2.8. The power of hopes and dreams

2.8.1. Once you know your counterpart's religion and can visualize what he truly wants out of life, you can enjoy those aspiration

2.8.2. When you ascertain your counterpart's unattained goals, invoke your own power and follow ability by expressing passion for their goals and for their ability to achieve them

2.9. Religion as a reason

2.9.1. Research studies have shown that people respond favorably to requests made in a reasonable tone of voice abd fallowed with a "because" reason

2.9.2. Ellen Langer Copy Machine experiment Ellen Langer Copy Machine experiment Ellen Langer Copy Machine experiment

2.10. It's not crazy, it's a clue

2.10.1. It's not human nature to embrace the unknown. It scares us. When we are confronted by it, we ignore it, we run away, or we label it in ways that allow us to dismiss it. In negotiations, that label most often takes the form of the statement, "They are crazy"

2.10.2. Instead of negotiations that don't go well, we shrug our shoulders and say, "They are crazy"

2.11. Mistakes

2.11.1. 1 They are ill-informed often the other side is acting on bad information, and when people have bad information they made bad choices GIGO Garbage in, garbage out The clear point here is that operating with incomplete information appear crazy to those who have different information

2.11.2. 2 They are constrained In any negotiation where your counterpart is acting wobbly, there exists a distinct possibility that they have things they can't do but aren't eager to reveal.

2.11.3. 3 They have other interests The presence of hidden interests isn't as rare as you might think. Your counterpart will often rejects offers for reasons that have nothing to do with their merits. Whatever the specifics of the situation, these people are not acting irrationally. They are not simply complying with needs and desires that you do not understand. As we have seen, when you recognize that your counterpart is not irrational, but simply ill-informed, constrained or obeying interests that you do not yet know, your field of movement greatly expands. And that allows you to negotiate much more effectively.

2.11.4. Here are a few ways to unearth these powerful Black Swans Get Face Time Today, a lot of younger people do almost everything over email. It's just how things are done. But it is very difficult to find Black Swans with email for the simple reason that, even if you knock your counterpart off their moorings with great labels and calibrated questions, email gives them too much time to think and re-center themselves to avoid revealing to much In Addition, email doesn't allow for tone of voice effects, and it doesn't let you read the nonverbal parts of your counterpart's response. Observe Unguarded moments Hunting for Black Swans is also effective during unguarded moments at the fringes, whether at meals .... During a typical business meeting, the first few minutes, before you actually get down to business, and the last few moments, as everyone is leaving, often tell you more about the other side than anything in between. That's why reporters have a credo to never turn off their recorders you always ger the best stuff at the beginning and the end of an interview.

2.12. When it doesn't make sense, there is cents to be made

2.12.1. Blackswans are spesific kinds of information or any kind that helps. I always answer that they are anything that you don't know that changes things

2.13. Overcoming fear and learning to get what you want out of life

2.13.1. People in close relationships often avoid making their own interest known and instead compromise across the board to avoid being perceived as greedy or self-interested. They fold, they grow bitter, and they grow apart. We have all heard of marriages that ended in divorce and the couple never fought.

2.13.2. More than a little research has shown that genuine, honest conflict between people over their goals actually helps energize the problem-solving process in a collaborative way. Skilled negotiators have a talent for using conflict to keep the negotiation going without stumbling into a personal battle

2.13.3. Your amygdala, the part of the brain that processes fear, will try to convince you to give up, to flee, because the other guy is right, or you are being cruel

2.13.4. When you ask calibrated questions, yes, you are leading them to examine and articulate what they want and why and how they can achieve it. You are demanding creativity of them, and therefore pushing them toward a collaborative solution

2.13.5. One can only be an exceptional negotiator, and a great person, by both listening and speaking clearly and empathetically; by treating counterparts - and oneself - with dignity and respect and most of all by being honest about what one wants and what one can - and cannot -do. Every negotiation, every conversation, every moment of life, is a series of small conflicts that, managed well, can rise creative beauty

2.14. Key lessons

2.14.1. What we do not know can kill us our deals. But uncovering it can totally change the course of negotiation and bring us unexpected success.

2.14.2. Finding Black Swans those powerful unknown unknowns - is intrinsically difficult, however, for the simple reason that we don't know the question to ask. Because we do not know what the treasure is, we don't know where to dig.

2.14.3. Ley what you know- your known knowns guide you but not blind you. Every case is new, so remain flexible and adaptable.

2.14.4. Black Swans are leverage multipliers. Remember the three types of leverage: positive (the ability to give someone what they want)

2.14.5. work to understand the other side's "religion". Digging into worldviews inherently implies moving beyond the negotiation table and into the life, emotional and otherwise, of your counterpart. That's where Black Swans live.

2.14.6. Review everything you hear from your counterpart. You will not hear everything the first time, so double check. Compare notes with team members. Use backup listeners whose job is to listen between the lines. They will hear things you miss.

2.14.7. Exploit the similarity principle. People are more apt to concede to someone they share a cultural similarity with, so dig for what makes them tick and show that you share common ground.

2.14.8. When someone seems irrational or crazy, they most likely aren't. Faced with situation, search for constraints, hidden desires, and bad information.

2.14.9. Get dace time with your counterpart. Ten minutes of face time often reveals more that days of research. Pay special attention to your counterpart's verbal and nonverbal communication at unguarded moments - at the beginning and at the end or the session or when someone says something out of line.

3. 9. Bargain Hard How to get your price

3.1. What type are you ?

3.1.1. Your personal negotiation style - and that of your counterpart-is formed through childhood, schooling, family, culture, and a million other factors; by recognizing it you can identify your negotiating strengths and weaknesses and adjust your mindset and strategies accordingly

3.1.2. People fall in to three broad cathagories Accomodators 75% of population The most important thing to this type of negotiator is the time spent building the relationship. As long as they are communicating, they are happy. Their goal is to be on great terms with their counterpart. They love the win-win If your counterparts are sociable, peace-seeking, optimistic, distractible, and poor time managers, they are probably Accommodators. Due to their tendency to be first to activate the reciprocity cycle, they may have agreed to give you something they can't actually deliver Their approach to preparation can be lacking as they are much more focused on the person behind the table. Uncovering their objections can be difficult. They will have identified potential problem areas beforehand and will leave those areas unaddressed out of fear of the conflict they may cause. If you identify your self as an Accommodator, stick to your ability to be very likable but do not sacrifice your objections Also be conscious of excess chit chat Assertive 12% of population Assertive type believes time is money; every wastes minute is a wasted dollar. From them getting the solution perfect isn't as important as getting it done They have an aggressive communication style and they don't worry about future interactions. Their view of business relationships is based on respect, nothing more and nothing less Most of all assertive want to be heard They do not have ability to listen to you until they know that you've heard them. They focus on their own goals rather then people. And they tell rather than ask Once they are convinces you understand them and only then will they listen for your point of view To an assertive, every silence is an opportunity to speak more The most important thing to get from an assertive will be a "that's right" that may come in the form of a "that's it exactly" or "you hit the head" When it comes to reciprocity, this type is of the "give an inch take a mile" mentality If you are an assertive data-loving Analyst 13% of population motto Classic analyst prefer to work on their own and rarely deviate from their goals Rarely show emotion and often use FMDJ voice However analysts often speak in a way that is distant and cold instead of soothing. This puts people off without them knowing it and actually limits them from putting their counterparts at ease and opening them up. Analyst pride themselves on not missing any details in their extensive preparation. They will research for two weeks to get data they might have gotten in fifteen minutes at the negotiationg table, just to keep beeing suprised. Analyst's hate surprises. They are reserved problem solvers, and information aggregators, and are hypersensitive to reciprocity. They will give you a piece, if they don't get a piece in return within a certain period of time, they lose trust and will disengage Silence to them is an opportunity to think. If you feel they don't see things the way you do, give them a chance to think first. If you are an analyst the single big thing you can do is smile when you speak. Slience for three type For Analyst, silence means they want to think For Accommodator, silence is anger For Assertive, either you do not have anything to say or you want them to talk Black Swan rule Do not treat others the way you want to be treated; treat them the way they need to be treated Resource

3.2. Taking the punch

3.2.1. Kick-ass negotiators don't use ZOPA

3.2.2. Experienced negotiators often lead with ridiculous offer an extreme anchor. And if you're not prepared to handle it you will lose your moorings and immediately go to your maximum

3.2.3. Mike Tyson once said, "Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth"

3.2.4. As a well prepared negotiator who seeks information and gathers it relentlessly, you are actually going to want the other guy to name a price first. Because you want to see his hand. You are going to welcome extreme anchor.

3.2.5. But extreme anchoring is powerful and you are human: your emotions may well up. If they do there are ways to weather the storm without bidding against yourself or responding with anger Deflect the punch with saying "no" with the many we talked so far How am I supposed to do that You can detour conversation to non-monetary issues that make an final price work. "Let's put price off to the side for a moment and talk about what would make this a good deal." Or you could go at it more obliquely by asking "what else would you be able to offer to make that a good price for me"

3.2.6. When the other side pushes you go first, instead of naming a price, allude to an incredibly high number that someone else might charge. Once when a hospital chain wanted me to name a price first, I said, " Well, if you go to HBR they will charge 2500 usd a day per student.

3.2.7. No matter what happens, the point here is to sponge up information from your counterpart. Letting your counterpart anchor first will give you a tremendous feel from him.

3.2.8. All you need to learn is how to take the first punch

3.3. Pushing Back: Using Assertion Without Getting Used By It

3.3.1. Sometimes a situation simply calls for you to be aggressor and punch the other face in the face

3.3.2. 4 way to do that 1. Real Anger, Threats Without Anger, and Strategic Umbrage However, by heightening your counterpart's sensitivity to danger and fear, your anger reduces the resource they have for other cognitive activity, setting them up to make bad concessions that will likely lead to implementation problems, thus reducing your gains Also beware: researchers have also found that disingenuous expression of unfelt anger - you know, faking- backfire, leading to intractable demand and destroying trust For anger to be effective, it has to be real, the key for it is to be under control because anger also reduces cognitive ability Please do not allow yourself to fall victim to "strategic umbrage" Threats delivered without anger but with "poise"- that is, confidence and self control- are great tools. Saying, " I am sorry that just doesn't work for me," with poise, works. 2. "Why" Questions The only time I say, "Why did you do that?" In negotiation is when I want to knock someone back. It's an iffy technique, though I wouldn't advocate it. However, there is another way to use "why" effectively. The idea is to employ the defensiveness the question triggers to ger your counterpart to defend your position 3. "I" messages Using the first person singular pronoun is another great way to set a boundary without escalating to confortation 4. No Neediness: Having the Ready to Walk mindset If you feel you can't say "no" then you've taken your self hostage. Once you're clear on what your bottom line is you have to be willing to walk away. Never be needy for a deal The person across the table is never the problem. The unsolved issue is. So focus on the issue. Pushing back is a last resort. Before you go there, I always suggest an attempt at de-escalating the situation. Suggest a time-out. Taking a constructive approach to conflict involves understanding that the bond is fundamental to any resolution. Never create an enemy

3.4. Ackerman Bargaining

3.4.1. Negotiation still comes down to determining who gets which slice of the pie

3.4.2. In the hostage world. I haggled with a lot of guys who stuck to their game plan and were used to getting their way. " Pay or we'll kill," they'd say, and they meant it.

3.4.3. This model is named after Mike Ackerman, an ex-CIA type who founded a kidnap-for-ransom consulting company based out Miami Website Ackerman Group Howard Raiffa Books Videos

3.4.4. Four Step of the process 1. Set your target price 2. Set your first offer at 65% of your target price 3. Calculate raising of increments (to 85, 95, 100) 4. Use lots of empathy and different ways of saying "no" to get the other side to counter before you increase your offer 5. When calculating the final amount, use precise, non-round numbers. It gives number credibility and weight. 6. On your final number, throw in a non-monetary item (that probably do not want) to show that you are at your linmit Notes %65 offer will send an extreme anchor, a big slap to your counterpart right to their price limit The shock of an extreme anchor will introduce a fight or flight reaction in all but the most experienced negotiator, limiting their cognitive abilities and pushing them into rash action Offer increases to 85, 95 and 100 percent of the target value Throw out a few calibrated questions to see if you can bait them into bidding against them selves When you make these (lower) offers, they work on various levels this really juices their self-esteem. Researcher have found that people getting concessions often feel better about bargaining process that those who are given single firm, "fair" offer. In fact, they feel better ecen when they end up paying more-or receiving less-than they otherwise might

3.5. Key Lessons

3.5.1. Identify your counterpart's negotiation style. Once you know whether they are accomodator, assertive or analyst, you'll know the correct way to approach.

3.5.2. Prepare, prepare, prepare. When the pressure is on, you do not rise occasion; you fall to your highest level of preparation. So design an ambitious but legitimate goal and then game out the labels, calibrated questions, and responses

3.5.3. Get ready to take a punch. Kick-ass negotiator usually lead with an extreme anchor to knock you off your game. ıf you are not ready, you'll flee to your maximum without a fight. SO prepare your dodging tactics to avoid getting sucked in to the compromise trap.

3.5.4. Set boundaries, and learn to take a punch or punch back without anger. The guy across the table is not the problem; the situation is.

3.5.5. Prepare an Ackerman plan. Before you head into the weeds of bargaining, you will need a plan of extreme anchor, calibrated questions, and well defined offers. Remember: 65, 85, 95, 100 percent Decreasing raises and ending on non-round numbers will get your counterpart to believe that he's squeezing you for all you are worth when you are really getting the number you want

4. 8. Guarantee Execution How to spot the liars and ensure follow-through from everyone else

4.1. "Yes" is nothing without "How"

4.1.1. Ex We do not have any money. How we can raise that much? Answering questions gave him the illusion that he had control of the negtiation

4.1.2. Calibrated "How" questions are a surefire way to keep negotiations going. They put the pressure on your counterpart to come up with answers, and to contemplate your problems when making their demands

4.1.3. The trick to ""How" questions is that, correctly used, they are gentle and graceful ways to say " No" and guide your counterpart to develop a better solution - your solution

4.1.4. Your tone of your voice is critical as the phrase

4.1.5. I refer to as "forced empathy" and it's especially effective if leading up to it you have already been emphatic with your counterpart This engages the dynamic of reciprocity to lead themto do somothing for you.

4.1.6. "How" is, quite literally, that it forces your counterpart to consider and explain how a deal will be implemented. A deal is nothing without good implementation.

4.1.7. People always make more effort to implement a solution when they think it's theirs. That's why negotiation is often called "the art of letting someone else have our way"

4.1.8. There are two key questions yo can ask o push your counterparts to think they are defining success their way How will we know we are on track? How will we address things if we find we are off track? Than When they answer, you summarize their answers until you get a "That's right." Then you'll know they have bought in.

4.1.9. Two sings that your counterpart doesn't believe the idea is theirs. "You are right" "I will try" Means "I plan to fail" When you hear either of these, drive back in with calibrated "How" questions until they define the terms of successful implementation in their own voice. Follow up by summarizing what they have said to get "That's right" Let the other side feel victory. Let them think it was their idea. Subsume your ego. Remember: "Yes" is nothing without "How." So keep asking "How?" And succeed

4.2. Influencing those behind the table

4.2.1. It's just stupid to consider only the interest of those at the negotiation table. You have to beware of "behind the table" or "Level II" players-that is, parties that are not directly involved but who can help implement agreements they like and block ones they don't

4.2.2. At the end deal killers are more important that deal makers

4.2.3. A surprisingly high percentage of negotiation hinge on something outside dollars an cents, often having more to do with self*esteem, status, and other nonfinancial needs.

4.2.4. Questions How do we ensure the managers of those we are training are fully on board? How does this effect everybody else? How on board is the rest of your team? How do we make sure that we deliver the right material to the right people?

4.3. The 7-38-55 percent rule

4.3.1. Albert Mehrabian created the 7-38-55 rule. 7% of the message is based on the words 38% comes from the tone of voice 55% from the speaker's body language Is it right ? What Can Body Language Actually Tell Us?

4.4. The rule of three

4.4.1. Three kinds of "yes" Commitment Confirmation Counterfeit Pushy sales man try to trap their clients in to commitment "Yes" that many people get very good at the counterfeit "yes"

4.4.2. The rule of three is simply getting the other guy to agree to the same thing three times in the same conversation It uncovers problems the problems before they happen. It's really hard to repeatedly lie or fake conviction When I first learned this skill, my biggest fear was how to avoid sounding like a broken record or coming off as really pushy

4.4.3. How 1. The first time they agree to something or give you a commitment 2 Yo might label or summarize what they said so they answer "That's right" 3 Could be a calibrated "How" or "What" question about implementation that ask them to explain "What we do if we get off track"" or Three times the same calibrated quesrion

4.5. The Pinocchio Effect

4.5.1. Harvard Business School professor Deepak Malhotra and his coauthors found that, on average, liars use more words than truth tellers and use more third-person pronouns. They start talking about him, her, it, one, they, and their rather that I, in order to put some distance between themselves and the lie Deepak Malhotra Pinocchio Article

4.5.2. The researchers dubbed this the Pinocchio Effect because just like Pinocchio's nose, the number of words grew along with the lie.

4.6. Pay Attention to Their Usage of Pronouns

4.6.1. Conversely, the harder it is to get a first person pronoun out of a negotiator's mouth, the more important they are.

4.6.2. Just like in the Mahotra study where the liar is distancing him self from the lie, in a negotiation, smart decision makers do not want to be cornered at the table into making decision.

4.6.3. They will defer to the people away from the table to keep from getting pinned down.

4.7. The Chris Discount

4.7.1. People always talk about remembering and using (but not over using) your counterpart's name in a negotiation. And that is important

4.7.2. The slick salesman trying to drive them to "Yes"will hit them over and over Instead, take a different tack and us your own name.

4.7.3. Humanize your self. Use your name to introduce yourself. Say it in a fun, friendly way. Let them enjoy the interaction, too. And get your own special price

4.8. How to get your counterparts to bid against themselves

4.8.1. The best way to get your counterparts to lower their demands is to say "no" using "How" questions. These indirect ways of saying "No" won't shut down your counterpart the way a blunt, pride-piercing "No"would.

4.8.2. We have found that you can usually express "No" four times before actually saying the word. 1. How am I suppose to do that? / It becomers a request 2. "Your offer is very generous, I'm sorry, that just doesn't work for me" is a second elegant way to say "no" "I am sorry" part softens the "no" builds emphaty You can ignore the so-called negotiation experts who say apologies are always signs of weakness 3. "I am sorry, but i just cant do that" It's more direct 4. "I am sorry, no" If delivered gently, it barely sounds negative all If you go further, of course no is the last and most direct way. Verbally, it should be delivered downward inflection and a tone of regard: it's not meant to be "no"

4.9. Key Lessons

4.9.1. Super star negotiators know that a negotiation is playing field beneath the words. It is only by modifying these subsurface issues that you can craft a great feel and make sure that it is implemented

4.9.2. That is,"yes" is nothing without "How." Asking "How," knowing "How," and defining "How" are all part of the effective negotiator's arsenal. He would be un armed without them

4.9.3. 1- Ask calibrated "How" questions, and ask them again. Asking "How" keeps your counterparts engaged but off balance. Answering the questions will give them the illusion of control. It will also lead them to contemplate your problems when making their demands

4.9.4. 2- Don't just pay attention to people you are negotiating with directly; always identify the motivations of the players "behind the table." You can do so by asking how a deal will affect everybody else and how on board they are.

4.9.5. 3. Follow the 7-38-55 Percent Rule by paying close attention to tone of voice and body language.

4.9.6. 4 Rule of three. Use calibrated questions, summaries, and labels to get your counterpart to reaffirm their agreement at least three times. It is hard to repeatedly lie or fake conviction.

4.9.7. 5 If you are hearing a lot of "I," "me," and "my," the real power to decide probably lies else where. Picking up a lot of "we," they," and "them," it's more likely you are dealing directly with savvy decision maker keeping his options open

4.9.8. 6 Use your own name to make yourself a real person to the other side and even get your own personal discount. Humor and humanity are the best ways to break the ice and remove roadblocks

5. 7. Create The Illusion of Control How to calibrate questions to transform conflict into collaboration

5.1. We learn that successful negotiation involved getting your counterpart to do the work for you and suggest your solution himself. It involved giving him the illusion of control while you, in fact wee the one defining the conversation

5.2. I call the calibrated, or open-ended, question. What it does is remove aggression from conversation by acknowledging the other side openly, without resistance. In doing so, it lets you introduce ideas and requests without sounding pushy. It allows you to nudge.

5.3. example

5.3.1. What do you hope to achieve by going

5.4. Hope is not a strategy

5.5. Suspend Unbelief

5.5.1. Kevin Dutton says in his book Split-Second Persuasion. He Talks about what he calls "unbelief,"which is active resistance to what the other side is saying, complete rejection. That's where the two parties in negotiation usually starts. Kevin Dunton Kevin Dutton: A Psychological Analysis of James Bond

5.5.2. You don't directly persuade them to see your ideas instead, you ride them to your ideas. As the saying hoes, the best way yo ride a horse is in the direction in which it is going

5.5.3. Giving your counterpart the illusion of control by asking calibrated questions-by asking for help - is one of the most powerful tools for suspending unbelief

5.5.4. “He who has learned to disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of negotiation.” robert estabrook picture

5.5.5. When you go into a store, instead of telling the salesclerk what you "need," you can describe what you!re looking for and ask for suggestions

5.6. Calibrate your questions

5.6.1. Summarize the situation and use "How am I suppose to do that"

5.6.2. Like the softening words and phrases "perhaps," "maybe," "I think" and "it seems," the calibrated open-ended question takes the aggression out of a confrontational statement or close-ended request that might otherwise anger your counterpart.

5.6.3. What makes them work is that they are subject to interpretation by your counterpart instead of being rigidly defined.

5.6.4. They allow you to introduce ideas and requests without sounding overbearing or pushy

5.6.5. The real beauty of calibrated questions is the fact that they offer no target for attack like statements do.

5.6.6. Calibrated questions have the power to educate your counterpart on what the problem is rather than causing conflict by telling them what the problem is.

5.6.7. First off, calibrated questions avoid werbs or words like "can," "is," "are,""do," or "does." .there are closed-ended questions that can be answered with a simple"yes" or a "no." Instead they start with a list of words people know as reporter's questions "who,""when, and "where" will often just get your counterpart to share a fact without thinking. And "why"can backfire. Regardless of what language the word "why" is translated into, it's accusatory. There are very rare moments when this is to your advantage

5.6.8. The only time you can use "why" successfully is when the defensiveness that is created supports the change you are trying to get them to see "why would you ever change from the way you have always done things and try my approach" "why could your company ever change from your long-standing vendor and choose our company" As always, tone of voice, respectfuş and deferential, is critical Otherwise, treat "why" lie a burner on a hot stove-don't touch it.

5.6.9. Having just two words to start with might not seem like a lot of ammunition, but trust me you can use "what" and "how" to calibrate nearly any question. "Does this look like something you would like" How does this look to you? What about this works for you? What about this doesn't work for you?

5.6.10. Why did you do it ? can be calibrated to What caused you to do it

5.6.11. Geat Standbys that I use in almost every negotiation What about this is important to you ? How can I help to make this better for us? How would you like me to proceed? What is it that brought us into this situation? How can we solve this problem? What is the objective? / What are we trying to accomplish here? How am I suppose to do that?

5.6.12. You have not only implicitly asked for help-triggering goodwill and less defensiveness-but you've engineered a situation in which your formerly recalcitrant counterpart is now using his mental and emotional resources to over come your challanges

5.7. How not get paid

5.7.1. there is one vitally important thing you have to remember when you enter a negotiation. without self-control and emotional regulation, it doesn't work If you can't control your own emotions, how can you expect to influence the emotions of other party?

5.7.2. Long example is in the book

5.7.3. The first and most basic rule of keeping your emotional cool is to bite your tongue. You have to keep way from knee-jerk, passionate reactions. Pause. Think.

5.7.4. The Japanese have this figured our. When negotiating with a foreigner, it's common practice for a Japanese businessman to use a translator even when he understands perfectly what the other side is saying . That's because speaking through a translator forces him to step back. It gives him time to frame his response

5.7.5. Another simple rule is, when you are verbally assaulted, do not counterattack.Instead disarm your counterpart by asking calibrated questions

5.7.6. The basic issue here s that when people feel that they are not in control, they adopt what psychologists call a hostage mentality

5.7.7. So we have to train our neocortex to override the emotions from other two brains

5.7.8. That means biting your tongue and learning how to mindfully change your state to something more positive And It means lowering the hostage mentality in your counterpart by asking a question or even offering an apology

5.8. Key Lessons

5.8.1. Who has the control in a conversation, the guy listening or the guy talking? The listener of course

5.8.2. This chapter's tools are about using counterpart's power to get to your objective. They are listener's judo.

5.8.3. As you put listener's judo in practice, remember the following powerful lessons Do not try to force your opponent to admit that you are right. Aggressive confrontation is the enemy of constructive negotiation Avoid questions that cab be answered with "yes" or tiny pieces of information. These require little through ab inspire the human need go

6. 6. Bend Their Reality How to shape What is fair

6.1. Do not compromise

6.1.1. Do not compromise

6.2. Deadlines: Make time your ally

6.2.1. Deadlines regularly make people say and do impulsive things that are against their best interests, because we all have a natural tendency to rush as a deadline approaches.

6.2.2. What good negotiators do is force them selves to resist this urge and take advantage of it in others

6.2.3. the mantra is " no deal is better than a bas deal"

6.2.4. If the client begin to believe they have got all the time they need to conduct the negotiation right, their patience becomes formidable weapon

6.2.5. Don A. Moore say's hiding a deadlines put the negotiator in the worst possible position" Moore discovered when negotiators tell their counterparts about their deadline, they get better result Don A. Moore Article

6.3. No such thing as fair

6.3.1. Without emotions you could not make decisions Antonio Damasio

6.3.2. No body thinks like you

6.3.3. Decisions are made irrationally

6.3.4. Antonio Damasio Antonio Damasio emotions How Our Brains Feel Emotion | Big Think This Time With Feeling: David Brooks and Antonio Damasio

6.4. The F(fair) word: Why it is so powerful, when to use it and how

6.4.1. ultimatium game Video ultimatum game video

6.4.2. Negative emotional value of unfairness out weighs the pos't've rational value of money

6.4.3. This irrational reaction to unfairness extends all the way to serious serious economic deals Iran stand to sanctions to protect nuclear researches sanctions cost over 100 billion of foreign investment although nuclear energy production is only %2 percent of over all electricity production This decision was made to protect their integrity

6.4.4. Three ways to drop F-bomb 1 Judo like defensive move Just say "It is not fair" 2 Your counterpart accuse you of being dishonest or dense by saying, "we have given you a fair offer". To distract your attention If you find your self in this situation The best reaction is to simply mirror the "F" that has just been lobed to you. Reply 3 I want you to feel like you are being treated fairly at all times. so please stop me at any time if you feel I'm being unfair, and we will address it

6.5. How to discover the emotional drivers behind what the other party avlues

6.5.1. If you can get other party to reveal their problems, pain and unmet objectives.

6.5.2. If you can get at what people are really buying then you can sell them a vision of their problems that leaves your proposal as the perfect solution.

6.5.3. What Every Manager Needs to Know about Marketing

6.5.4. Theodore Levitt hole on the wall

6.6. Bend their reality

6.6.1. by far the best theory for describing the principles of our irrational decisions is something called prospect theory prospect theory Video Graphic loss aversion risk aversion Prospect theory tactics 1. Anchor their decision 2. Let theother guy go firsy.... most of the time 3. Establish a range 4. Pivot to nonmonetary terms 5. When you talk numbers, use odd ones 6. Suprise with agift

6.7. Spark their interest in your success and gain an unofficial mentor

6.7.1. Ask "what does it take to be successful here"

6.7.2. The key issue here is if someone gives you guidance, they will watch to see if you fallow their advice

6.8. Key Lessons

6.8.1. all negotiations are defined by a network of subterranean desires and needs. Don't let yourself to be fooled by the surface.

6.8.2. Splitting the difference is wearing one black and one brown shoe, so don't compromise. Meeting halfway often leads to bed deals for both sides

6.8.3. The F-word - "Fair"- is an emotional term people usually exploit When your counterpart drops the F-bomb, do not get suckered into concession. Instead, ask them to explain how you are mistreating them

6.8.4. When you get the numbers set an extreme anchor to make your "real" offer seem reasonable or use a range offer to seem less aggressive

6.8.5. People will take more risks to avoid a loss to realize gain. Make sure your counterpart sees there is something to loose by inaction

7. 5. Trigger The Two Words "that's right" That Immediately Transform any Negotiation How to gain permission to persuade

7.1. CNU developed Behavioral Change Stairway Model BCSM

7.1.1. CNU developed Behavioral Change Stairway Model BCSM

7.1.2. 5 steps Active Listening: Listen to their side and make them aware you’re listening. he first step of the BCSM establishes the foundation for the ensuing steps and involves a collection of techniques aimed at establishing a relationship between the negotiators. Active Listening encourages conversation through the use of open ended questions, suggests negotiators paraphrase their understanding of the other side’s story, attempts to identify and confirm emotions expressed by the other side, and utilizes intentional pauses in the conversation for emphatic effect Empathy: You get an understanding of where they’re coming from and how they feel. The intent of the second step of the BCSM is for the negotiator to convey his or her empathy to the other side. Empathy suggests the negotiator has an understanding of the perceptions and feelings of the other side. This is an important aspect of furthering the relationship between the negotiator and the other side, and can be accomplished through a tone of voice that is genuine and conveys interest in and concern for the other side Rapport: Empathy is what you feel. Rapport is when they feel it back. They start to trust you. The third step in the BCSM is established through the negotiator’s active listening and expression of empathy, which will lead to increased trust between the parties. The negotiator continues to build rapport through conversation that focuses on face saving for the other side, positive reframing of the situation, and exploring areas of common ground Influence: Now that they trust you, you’ve earned the right to work on problem-solving with them and recommend a course of action. Once rapport has been firmly established, the negotiator is in a position to begin to make suggestions to the other side, explore potential and realistic solutions to the conflict, and consider the likely alternatives available to the other side Behavioral Change: They act. (And maybe come out with their hands up.) The final step in the BCSM is contingent upon how thoroughly and prudently the negotiator walked up the first four steps. If the negotiator has established a solid relationship with the other side, he or she will be able to propose solutions to the conflict that will affect the desired behavioral change

7.1.3. Model graphic BCSM

7.1.4. Video Stages of Behavior Change

7.1.5. the origins of the model can be traced backe to Carl Rogers Carl rogers behavior change

7.1.6. Why so few social interractions lead to actual behavior change example open hear surgery patient that stay with same life style

7.1.7. resources The Behavioral Change Stairway Model

7.2. Trigger a "That's right" with a summary

7.2.1. 1 effective pauses

7.2.2. 2 Minimal Encouragers like yes, ok, I see to show that you are paying full attention

7.2.3. 3 Mirroring Listen and repeat what counterpart says

7.2.4. 4 Labeling

7.2.5. 5 Paraphrase repeat with your own words

7.2.6. 6 Summarize Phrasing + labeling = summary A good summary is the combination of re-articulating the meaning of what is said plus acknowledgment of the emotions underlying that meaning

7.3. Key Lessons

7.3.1. The more a person feels understood ,and positively affirmed in that understanding, more likely that urge for constructive behavior will take hold

7.3.2. "That's right" is better than "Yes". Stive for it

7.3.3. Use summary to trigger a"that's right.The building blocks of a good summary are a label combined with paraphrasing. Identify, re-articulate, and emotionally affirm " the world according to..."

7.4. Video

7.4.1. Chris Voss - When Negotiating, Get Them to Say "That's Right" | Robert Kiyosaki

8. 4. Beware "YES" - Master "NO" How to generate momentum and make it safe to reveal the stakes

8.1. Pushing hard for "yes" does not get a negotiator any closer to a win; it just angers the other side

8.2. So if "yes" can be damn uncomfortable, and "No" such a relief, why have we fetishized one and demonized the other

8.3. for good negotiators, "no" is pure gold

8.4. No is the start of negotiaton

8.4.1. Jim Camp, in his book, Start with no Jim Cam Jim Camp start with no purchase link People will fight to the death to preseve their right to say "NO"

8.4.2. Universal human need people need for autonomy. People need to feel in control

8.4.3. When someone tells you "no," you need to rethink the word in one od its alternative meanings I am not ready to agree you are making me feel uncomfortable I do not understand I do not think I can afford it I want something else I need more information I want to talk it over someone else

8.5. Persuade in their world

8.5.1. Early said "yes" is a tool to get this blowhard to go away

8.5.2. There are three kind of yes Counterfeit Confirmation Commitment

8.5.3. In every negotiation, the result comes from someone else's decision. And sadly, if we believe that we can control or manage others decisions with compromise and logic, we are leaving millions on the table. But while we can not control others decisions, we can influence them by inhabiting their world and seeing and hearing exactly what they want

8.5.4. If you rush in with plastic niceness, your bland smile is going to dredge up all tat baggage

8.6. "No" is protection

8.6.1. The good negotiators welcome - even invite- a solid "no" to start, as sign that the other party is engaged and thinking

8.6.2. example instead of "do you have few minutes to tal" Use "Is now a bad time to talk"

8.6.3. "No" is a liberating moment that every negotiator needs to reach. Because if your biggest gear is "no" you can't negotiate. You re the hostage of "yes."

8.6.4. "No" opens the discussion up. The sooner you are willing to see options and opportunities that you were blind previously

8.6.5. The skill of "NO" "NO" allows the real issues be brought forth "NO" protects people from making and lets them correct - ineffective decision "NO" slow things down so that people can freely embrace their decisions and the agreements they enter into "NO" helps people feel safe,secure, emotionally comfortable,and in control of their decisions "NO" moves everyone's efforts forward

8.6.6. Every "no" gets me closer to a yes Marc Cuban Every "no" gets me closer Marc Cuban

8.6.7. Once you have gotten them to say "no," people are much more pen to moving forward ne options and ideas

8.7. Email Magic: How never to be ignored again

8.7.1. Have you given up the project

8.7.2. When they do not answer your emails and follow ups. Begin to walk away

8.8. Key lessons

8.8.1. 1 Break the habit of attempting to get people to say "yes" Being pushed for "yes" makes people defenive. our love of hearing "yes" makes us blind to the defensiveness we ourselves feel when someone is pushing ıs to say it.

8.8.2. 2 "No" is not a failıre It often just means "Wait" or "I am not comfortable with that" It is not the end of negotiation

8.8.3. 3 Yes is the final goal of negotiation. Do not aim for it at the start

8.8.4. 4 Saying "no"makes the speaker feel safe, secure, and in control so trigger it By saying what they do not want, your counterpart defines their space and gains the confidence and comfort to listen to you That's why "Is now a bad time for to talk?"is always better than " Do you have few minutes to talk"

8.8.5. 5 Sometimes the only way to get your counterpart to listen and engage with you is by forcing them in to a "no" That means intentionally mislabeling one of their emotions or desires or asking a ridiculous question -- like "It seems like you want this project to fail" that can only answered negatively

8.8.6. 6 Negotiate in their world Persuation is not about how bright or smooth or forceful you are. It is about the other party convincing themselves that the solution you want is their own idea Don't beat them with logic or brute force ask them questions that open path to your goals. It is not about you.

8.8.7. 7 If potential business partner is ignoring you say have you given up this project

9. 3. Don't Feel Their Pain, Label IT How to create trust and tactical empathy

9.1. How can you separate the people from the problem if their emotions are the problem

9.2. The psychothreapist pokes and prods to undestand his patient's problems, and turns the responses back onto the patient to get him to go deeper and change his behavior. That's exactly what good negotiators do

9.2.1. getting to this level of emotional inteligence demands opening upyour senses, talking less, and listening more

9.2.2. talk less, listen more

9.3. the more you know about someone, the more power you have

9.4. Tactical Emphaty

9.4.1. when we closely observe a person's face, gestures, and tone of voice, our brain begins to align with theirs in a process called neural resonance, and that lets us know more fully what they think and feel How You Feel What Another Body Feels

9.4.2. Emphaty is not about being nice or agreeing with the other side. It'sabout understanding them

9.5. Labeling

9.5.1. Labeling is a way of validating someone's emotion by acknowledging it

9.5.2. Professor Mathew Lieberman of UCLA found that when people are shown photos of faces expressing strong emotion, the brain shows greater activity in the amygala, the part that generates fear. But when they are asked to label the emotion, the activity moves to the areas that govern rational thinking. labeling an emotion - applying rational words to a fear - distrups its raw intensity Putting Feelings Into Words Produces Therapeutic Effects in the Brain; UCLA Neuroimaging Study Supports Ancient Buddhist Teachings Secret / the first step of labeling is detecting the other person's emotional state Labeling sntences

9.5.3. 1 secret / The first step of labeling is dedecting the other person's emotional state

9.5.4. Once you spotted an emotion you want to highlight, the next step is to label it loud It seems like It sounds like It looks like * Notice we said "It sounds like ... " and not I'm hearing that's becouse the word "I" gets people's guard upp. when you say "I", It says you're more interested in yourself than the other person, and it makes you take personal responsibility for thewords that follow - and the offence thet might couse

9.5.5. The last rule of labeling is silence Once you have thrown out a label, be quite and listen. we all have a tendency to expand on what we've said, to finish " It seems like the way that shirt looks," with a spesific question like 1 where did you get it" But a label's power is that it invites the other person to reveal him self and than go silent. Let label do it's work

9.5.6. Neutralize the negative, reinforce the positive

9.6. Neutralize the negative, reinforce the positive

9.6.1. In basic terms, people's emotions hae two levels the "presenting" behaviour is the part above the surface you can see and hear beneath, the "underlyin" feeling is what motivates the behaviour.

9.6.2. As an emotion, anger is rarely prodıctive - in you or the prson you're negotiating with. It releases stress hormones and neurochemicals that disrupt your ability to properly evaluate and respond to situations And it blinds you to the fact that you are angry in the first place, which gives you a false sense of confidence

9.6.3. Acknowledge the negative and diffuse it appologize for a bone-headed mistake

9.6.4. The best way to deal with negativity is to observe it, with out judgement. Then consciously label each negative feeling and replace it with positive, compassionate and solution based thouhts

9.7. Clear the road before advertising the destination

9.7.1. Faster we can interrupr the amygdala's reaction to real or imaginary threat, the faster we can clear the road

9.7.2. Label the fears So powerful once they are labeled amydala will begin to soften,

9.8. Do an Accusation Audit

9.8.1. listing every terrible thing your counter part could say about you / Accusation Audit

9.8.2. Taking the sting out / lawyer term Taking the Sting Out: Using Direct Examination to Anticipate and Undercut Attacks on Your Witness - Voices at Temple TAKING THE STING OUT 2 - CONTEXTUALIZING ‘BAD’ EVIDENCE ON DIRECT EXAMINATION – Advocacy and Evidence Resources

9.9. Key Lessons

9.9.1. 1 Imagine yourself in your counterpart's situation. the beauty of emphaty is that it doesn't demand that you agree with the other person's ideas (you may well find them crazy) But acknowleding the other person's situation, you immediately convey that you are listening. And once they know that you are listening , they may tell you something that you can use

9.9.2. 2 focus first on clearing the barriers to agreement. Denying barriers or negative influences gives them credence Get them in to open

9.9.3. 3 Pause. After you label a barrier or mirror a statement, let it sink in. Don't worry, the other party will fill in the silence

9.9.4. 4 The faster you interrupt action in your counterparts amygdala, the faster you can generate feelings of safety, well being and trust

9.9.5. 5 list the worst things that the other party could say about you and say them before other person can. head off negative dynamics before they take root

9.9.6. 6 Remember you are dealing with a person who wants to be appreciated and understood

10. Author

10.1. Chris Voss

10.1.1. Photo Chris Voss

10.2. Tahl Raz

10.2.1. Photo Tahl Raz

11. Videos


11.1.1. Chris Voss - Mastering The Art Of Negotiation - London Real

11.2. Negotiation Skills: Former FBI Negotiator Chris Voss At The Australia Real Estate Conference

11.3. THE SECRET TO Negotiating In Business & Life TO ACHIEVE SUCCESS | Chris Voss & Lewis Howes

11.4. Never Split the Difference | Chris Voss | Talks at Google

11.5. Chris Voss - 3 Tips on Negotiations, with FBI Negotiator

11.6. Chris Voss 4 21 17

12. Resources

12.1. Resources | The Black Swan Group | Free Negotiation Downloads

12.2. Negotiation one sheet

12.3. Never Split Security the Difference Study Guide

12.4. Never Split the Difference: Negotiating Contracts

12.5. Top three negotiation mistakes