P: The development of career has resulted in family values like togetherness and also the perception of role families play to change., rework this sentence. awkward expression.
Amendments: With the development of careers, families have less time to be together and family values may not be as important now. Children may also feel that families are less important.
E: Due to the development of careers, parents have less time with children hence have little opportunities to inculcate values. Insufficient value time with children and little opportunities to complete activities as a family result in the children having the misconception that families are not valuable. Children have little or no sense of belonging to their families and have the perception that families are not very essential in life. Thus, families are no longer that bonded and children no longer see family as a support when things go wrong.
E: Refering to our localised context, there is an increasing trend of teenage crime rates due to them spending more time outside and not going home. Most view friends as being more important than family. According to a study done by National Technological University (NTU), generally,with an increase of family income, adolescent delinquency increases. This shows that due to an increase in demands from their jobs, parents spend less time with teenagers to inculcate right values, thus resulting in greater adolescent delinquency.
Amendments: Referring to our localised context, more youths do not feel that having a family is very important. According to the National Youth Survey 2010, 64% of the youths interviewed felt that divorce is an option after one marries. In the same survey done in 2005, only 20% of the youths felt this way. This shows that youths do not value family as much, and their perception of marriage have changed. More youths are feeling that marriage is no longer a life long commitment. This could be due to the environment they have been brought up, where their parents are almost always working, hence spending little time together as a family. This can in turn cause youths to have the impression that families are not as important.
R: This shows that teenagers think that families are of less value now as less attention is being paid on inculcating values. Family also spend less quality time together, which could bond the family and promote family values.
Counter: Although the government promotes family togetherness through events such as the National Family Celebrations held annually and some companies do give special off days for families to spend value time together, it still does not mitigate the suffering of family vaules. Not all companies may have this policy, and days given are not enough for families to be more bonded and for children to feel the real value of families., Good
P:Due to the limited amount of time, parents may find it hard to juggle between their careers and their children, having to neglect either one of them , leading to emotional suffering for their family.
E: Some parents, in order to build up their careers, have been neglecting their children, not providing enough emotional support and physical care and attention. Hence this leads to emotional suffering of their family members, which in turn may lead to them turning to gangs for emotional comfort, or to gain attention from their parents.
E:Based on our localised context, there is an increasing trend of crime rates caused by teenagers, such as gang related activites by which most of them come from families with career-driven parents whom neglected them, Avoid using similar examples, in this case crime rates have been mentioned twice in 'values' and 'emotional' suffering. Already, both points are rather similar, you'll be further adding to this impression if you use the same illustrations for the points.
R:This shows that with the high demands of attention in both career building and family, parents may tend to focus more on their work than their children, which may lead to neglect. This adversely affects the emotional well being of a child whom yearns the attention and love from their parents, leading to emotional suffering
Counter: Some families may hire helpers from indonesia to help take on the role as homemakers, and even which these helpers may even become closer to the children than their parents. Even so, these emotional attachments is very hard to replace the emotional support, warmth and love that a child yearns from his or her own biological parents. These helpers no doubt can replace parents by being the homemakers in the family, but not the roles of being a parent to the child., Good
P: Meritocracy in Singapore has made it such that excelling in one's career is expected of everyone.
E: Only with a stable career can the breadwinner of the family feel like he has a stake in our nation. Moreover, one's career in Singapore is an indicator of his or her social status. In pursuit of one's career, he or she may be too caught up with their work life that they fail to see the more meaningful things in life like family.
E: More young adults are settling down later and divorce rates are at an all-time high mostly due to career aspirations.
R: Some whose visions are too clouded by the prospects of a high-paying job see their family as a hindrance preventing them from progressing further. For example, they perceive their families as a burden and even neglect them when their job gets them posted overseas.
Very good point. This is not a 'suffering' the family faces but this puts the Singapore context in the spotlight. From the layout of the mindmap, I'm assuming that this is your 3rd supporting point. Might be better to place this as first supporting point instead for better flow. I.e. showing why there is an emphasis on advancing one's career in Singapore before talking about the negative repurcussions.
P: As both parents are working adults, there is a steady income flow in the family, which leads to the ability to meet basic needs of the family and not induce suffering.
E:Basic necessities of the family such as shelter, food, water, electricity etc are provided as both parents can afford to purchase them. Thus, the standards of living of the family is satisfactory as everyone is able to live comfortably with a roof over their head, 3 meals per day, water to drink and electricity to enjoy., Good. Can also elaborate how some lower income families are unable to make ends meet with only one breadwinner in the family and would thus 'suffer' more if both parents are not employed.
Amendments: In contrast, a lower income family with only a sole breadwinner would find it challenging to make ends meet. The situation for families with both parents unemployed would be even more unthinkable, as there is absolutely no one in the family who can provide the basic bread and butter for the family.
E:Between the years 2000 to 2011, Singapore’s Human Development Index (HDI) has risen from 0.801 to 0.866, in which HDI refers to the literacy rate, life expectancy and standards of living of the country. This statistics show that the standards of living in Singapore has increased steadily over the years as the country become more developed due to a more competent workforce.Thus, working parents are bringing more to the table which results in better quality of life.
R:Therefore, the physical well-being of each individual in a family is being taken care of and that there is no suffering.
P: Career is not the only factor affecting the cohesion within a family, the will of family members to keep the family together overrules everything else.
E: While it is true that over-ambitiousness on a parent's part may lead to neglect of their children, we cannot fairly pinpoint career as a dominant effect on the relationships between family members. Career itself has not driven families apart but rather exacerbated the rift within a family with volatile backgrounds to start with. Should parents be inadequate in their methods of bringing up their children, taking up a job will only deprive the child of proper upbringing. And no matter how generous an income these parents are able to rake in, it still cannot make up for the time lost spent on their careers instead of their loved ones. When such a situation arises, this truly spells the downfall of a family and the purpose of "family"., Good
E: There are instances in Singapore where parents are able to handle both the success of the careers and ensure the healthy growth of their children.
R: Aptly put, love conquers all and it is not fair to conclude that career directly affects familial ties. Only with constant efforts to spend quality time with love ones can a family have cohesion.
Good introduction. Informative, concise and clear. One thing though, refrain from ending your intro in such an open-ended manner ("If these sufferings do exist..."). State your stand clearly and not wait till the end of the essay.
Good conclusion. Just be mindful of the second sentence, working options usually tend to stretch past the conventional 9-5 for many so it is not entirely accurate to say that they now have more time with their loved ones.