1. ABOUT SELF-DIAGNOSIS
1.1. embrace autism tests
1.2. comorbidity assessments
1.2.1. autism and/or cptsd
1.2.1.1. i have dificulties remembering and feeling out who i was before the drastic change pointed out by others
1.2.2. autism and/or severe social anxiety
2. EARLY CHILDHOOD VS. ADOLESCENT EMERGENCE
2.1. Predominantly made apparent in Early Chilhood
2.2. Subtly present in Early Childhood, Exacerbated in Adolescence
2.3. Predominantly made apparent in Adolescence
3. SENSORY DIFFICULTIES or PECULIARITIES
3.1. Stims/Sensory Seeking
3.1.1. ASMR
3.1.2. song repetition
3.1.3. impassioned singing session
3.1.4. narrating what i'm doing or spouting and letting out the intense emotions or reactions to what i am experiencing outside my body by talking to myself
3.1.5. handkerchiefs
3.1.6. wiggling my feet
3.1.7. rocking back and forth
3.1.8. hitting things/myself, intense uncontrolled laughing fits, and screaming internally when I get easily excited, pleasantly overwhelmed at even the littlest of things that I feel like im about to explode
3.1.9. some sort stimming through layered pressure of mentally proccessing multiple tasks
3.1.10. shaking head to reset, refresh, or reassociate my mind or environmental awareness or awareness of myself back to the present
3.2. eating
3.2.1. food
3.2.1.1. fish dishes texture
3.2.1.2. can't stand the smell and texture of liver
3.2.2. drinks
3.2.2.1. mouth-refreshing
3.2.2.2. water temperature
3.2.2.3. about soda, cola, or soft-drinks
3.2.3. loud music or noise
3.2.4. uncomfortable when in public
3.3. sensitivity to certain sensory discrepancies
3.4. bus/van air fresheners and aircon
3.5. temperature regulation problems (wind, dryness, and coldness) and strict clothing preferences
3.6. hoodies and jackets
3.7. must wear at least 2 or 3, sometimes even 4 layers of socks everyday or else i will feel really miserable
3.8. pooping and half-baths
3.9. sometimes i can't hear very well or struggle to process spoken words without subtitles
4. Accounts of what the others found peculiar about me that I might have missed and might also be worth looking into
4.1. curious cat
5. Do these sound like something a presumably healthy neurotypical individual would normally think, feel, be interested in, or do? If not, might it be worth looking into?
5.1. thinks to be thankful for
5.2. just woke up feeling everything
5.3. *"my brain just. it's just snotting there." *
5.4. brain snotting; cold piss incontinence that won't at least be a subjectively, perversely comforting filth because of the absence of it's usual subjectively grounding warmth; a sickeningly sweet scent of pus oozing from an ugly pimple of shame; years’ worth of rotting, stinking clumps of neglected grief; mindnumbing intake of detrimentally impersonal isolated facts; a dehumanization; disillusioned severed nerves; a chronically dysregulated amygdala coated with dry ice... all on the cold, sterile, liminal, binary surface of a neatly alternating black and white tiled hallway
5.5. *"When I reread what I've written, I feel like I'm swallowing my own vomit." *
5.6. *"i had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion" *
5.7. voyeuristic gaming
5.8. screen savior
5.9. absurd figurative imagery for sleep difficulties
5.10. *i'll forgive you even if you die. *
5.11. *"don't expect coherence, because even my pillow mocks me with its fluffy, logical shape." *
5.12. *"i am a sentient flesh bag in fifteen discordant parts all at war. too weak to hold, too much to bear. tie me to a tree." *
5.13. monolouge about wanting to be tied to a tree
5.14. questionable musings about Jesus Christ
5.15. *"Am I being violated into divinity too loudly for you?" *
5.16. Friendless Cannibal God
5.17. ego death, ego loss; a lack of a conrete sense of self
5.17.1. commentary ver.
5.18. yearning to shed the heavy burden of human consciousness in a largely neuronormative world and the responsibilities of a "societal self"
5.19. *"i do not exist, please do not perceive me" *
5.20. being a conceptkin; exploring alterhuman identity
5.21. iam.iamaiam i am ami maiam am i
5.22. aaeugh
5.23. mothman
5.24. *"Holy God, what am I even talking about..?" *
5.25. *"Mother, help me, there's a head attached to my neck and I'm im in it." *
5.26. *metaphorically unravels brain and organizes it into neat lines *
5.27. finding beauty in incontinence
5.28. *"let's live vicariously through sea sponges and the decomposing whales." *
5.29. *"the sum of the thoughts that tells you u are dead will embody someone and kiss you on the cheek." *
5.30. *"that shame will be homoerotically dissected like a frog." *
5.31. *"my baseline emotion is overwhelming guilt" *
5.32. *"just jacked off to nothingness" *
5.33. the ideal towel and shame
5.34. the dictionary of obscure sorrows: midding
5.35. moist dissociation chamber
5.36. *This is a cartoon of Neil deGrasse Tyson Eating a Reuben Sandwich in an Empty Airport Terminal. And we are a speck in the middle of an infinite cosmic void, watching it. Yay. *
5.37. trying to explain existentialism to a slug and sadness to a brickwall.
5.38. *i want to depict a sense of detachment and alienation with reality and society so profound that witnessing it compels one to tighten their grip to the essence that affirms their dignity and right for belongingness so tight their fingers bleed. *
5.39. my brain indiscriminately asigns every other person with a similar the intensity to the oyasumi punpun God.
5.40. Inio Asano's Bakemono Recchan
5.41. ZINE: Cardboard cut-out (the real title is much longer)
5.42. essence kleptomaniac
5.43. GaggingOrder
5.44. Olde Man Jonathan's Sanism
5.45. milquetoast eschatons
5.46. *"look, forget it, here's a cat meme placeholder for me instead." *
5.47. *"i'm a giant social abomination who's spiritually embodies a soggy paper bag" *
5.48. Euthanasia Coaster
5.49. renaissance on meth
5.50. whatlife
6. SOCIAL DIFFICULTIES or PECULIARITIES
6.1. Sexuality and Gender
6.1.1. convoluted relationship with gender
6.1.2. how my gender identity issues affected my friendships and my capacity to relate and build connection with my peers
6.1.3. What is AutiGender? - The Relationship Between Autism & Gender - An Autistic Perspective
6.1.3.1. Autism and Gender - Explaining NeuroGenders: What do AutiGender and NeuroGender Mean?
6.1.3.1.1. Where Do The Quiet Gays Go? Parties, Protests, and the Queer Community
6.1.4. unusual sexual/romantic tendencies
6.2. Speech Difficulties
6.2.1. situational mutism and verbal shutdowns
6.2.2. cluttering speech disorder
6.2.3. voice wont properly project
6.2.4. self-scripting
6.2.5. can come accross as overly formal
6.3. Connections and Relationships
6.3.1. about socializing
6.3.1.1. about social cues
6.3.1.2. inharmonious superimposed impressions
6.3.1.3. i often find myself being infantilized by my peers. it's hard to build a friendship dynamic because of the imbalance
6.3.1.4. large, loud crowds
6.3.1.5. indespensable reassurances needed to facilitate socializing
6.3.1.5.1. feeling clean
6.3.1.5.2. about smartphones and headphones
6.3.1.6. crippling difficuties in navigating new or unfamilliar places and social environments
6.3.1.6.1. i eventually had to drop out of conventional education because the way it is structured couldn't be reconciled and integrated with my fundamental self even after 4 years of exposure and attempting
6.3.2. about friendships
6.3.3. i don't think i had the "classic youth/teenage phase of life"
6.3.4. has vivid, controlled imaginary relationships as compensation for inability to facilitate and navigate direct social relationships and dynamics
6.3.5. detrimental people pleasing tendencies
6.3.6. i seem to get along well with animals instead of my fellow humans.
6.3.6.1. it would be nice to have my own professionally trained emotional support animal
6.3.7. aaaa
6.4. Behavior/Body Language/Non-verbal cues
6.4.1. oh no
6.4.2. facial expressions
6.4.2.1. maintaining eye contact is painful
6.4.2.1.1. about my bangs
6.4.2.2. don't know what face to make
6.4.2.2.1. about masks
6.4.2.3. practicing making facial expressions, and painful hypervigilance when making it in social settings
6.4.3. hyper-awareness of my body
6.4.4. excessive laughter padding
6.4.5. what the heck do i do with my hands