How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie

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How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie by Mind Map: How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie

1. How to handle people - 3 Keys

1.1. Don't criticize condemn or complain

1.1.1. Human beings are not logical We are emotional We have a sense of pride Logic is secondary

1.1.2. Criticism is dangerous because it Hurts the person's pride Hurts their sense of importance Arouses Resentment Puts the other person on defensive Makes him/her want to justify himself

1.1.3. Hard Hats Story of a safety cordinator In a Heavy engineering company One of his tasks was to make sure that all the workers in the field wore hard hats Whenever he saw a worker not wearing hat He would criticize them He would scream at them He would force them to wear the hat That did not work So he changed his tact Whenever he saw a worker not wearing a hard hat He would ask He would also tell them That change in tact Increased the % of workers wearing the hard hat dramatically

1.1.4. Instead of condemning people let's try to Understand them Understand their motives

1.2. Make them feel important

1.2.1. The only way you can get anyone to do anything Give them what they want

1.2.2. John Dewey, Philosopher "The deepest urge in human nature is the desire to be important"

1.2.3. William James "The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated" It isn't just a wish or desire or longing It is the deepest CRAVING

1.2.4. Tell me what gives you your feeling of importance I'll tell you who you are

1.2.5. Appreciation v/s FLATTERY Flattery is Insincere Flattery is Shallow Does not come from the heart

1.2.6. Study of Runaway wives The #1 reason why wives ran away from their husbands? Lack of Appreciation

1.2.7. John D Rockefeller One of his associates Ed Bedford Lost a million $s for the firm Instead of chastising him Rockefeller Found a way to appreciate him "That's great... You saved 60% of the money invested" "That's better than what I have been able to do at times"

1.3. Arouse in the other person an eager want

1.3.1. Increase your tendency to think about what the other person wants and their point of view

1.3.2. Ralph Waldo Emerson and the calf Emerson and his son were trying to drag a calf into the barn Emerson pulling Son pushing the calf from behind But the calf just Stiffened it's legs And started dragging it' feet Almost impossible to move the calf Housemaid saw the problem She thought of what the calf wanted Using her maternal instincts And gently led the calf into the barn

1.3.3. Dale Carnegie and the Hotel Room Carnegie had arranged for a seminar at a Hotel Few months before the conference, the Hotel decided to triple their rates Carnegie wrote them a letter He did not write a letter about "I understand that you want the hotel to do the best it can" "Let me write out the advantages and disadvantages of this rate hike" Advantages Disadvantages a few days later, he got a response from the hotel They reversed the rate hike In the letter Carnegie never talked about what he wanted He only talked about what the hotel wanted

1.3.4. Henry Ford "If there is any 1 secret of success, it lies in your ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from their angle"

2. Intro

2.1. Sold 15 Million Copies

2.2. Always in the top 5 highly recommended book lists

2.3. One of the greatest best sellers of all time

2.3.1. Becoming a Leader

2.3.2. Developing Conversation skills

2.3.3. Making friends

2.3.4. Becoming charismatic and likable

2.3.5. Influencing people

2.4. 10 Best Ideas

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4. How to get people to Like you - 6 Principles

4.1. Become genuinely interested in other people

4.1.1. You will make more friends in 2 months By being genuinely interested in other people Than 2 yrs Trying to make people interested in you

4.1.2. Stamps A bank officer wanted some information from a president at a large company He arranged for a meeting with him Secretary showed him in and told the president "Sorry, I don't have stamps for you today" President told the bank officer For the next hour Bank officer got nowhere with the president The next day bank officer realized He could get stamps for the president from his foreign department Called president for another meeting And told him that he had stamps for him The president was excited to meet him Loved the stamps And gave the bank officer all the info he needed

4.1.3. People are interested in themselves

4.2. Smile

4.2.1. Actions speak louder than words and a smile says ' I like you you. You make me happy. I'm glad to see you'

4.2.2. We must have a good time meeting people if we expect them to have a good time meeting us

4.2.3. What if you don't feel like smiling force yourself to smile William James said Actions seem to follow feelings but really Action and feelings go together. By regulating the action which is under direct control of Will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling which is not Thus the sovereign voluntary path To cheerfulness is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there

4.2.4. It isn't about what you you are, or who you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy It is what you think about it As Shakespeare said 'there is nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so'

4.3. Remember and use a person's name

4.3.1. A Person is more interested in his or her name than all the other names on the earth put together

4.3.2. How to remember names During the conversation repeat the name several times and try to associate it with the other person's features, expressions or appearance

4.3.3. A person's name is to that person The sweetest and most important sound in any language

4.4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves

4.4.1. Very few human beings are proof against the implied Flattery of rapt attention

4.4.2. Remember that people are 100 times more interested in themselves and their problems than your self and your problems

4.4.3. Botanist Dale Carnegie went to a dinner On the same table as a botanist Carnegie had a home garden Carnegie asked him about Botany Botanist went on for hours At the end of the party, the Botanist told the host Carnegie was the most stimulating conversationalist Carnegie was an amazing person

4.4.4. People think of you as a good conversationalist though all you are trying to do is be a good listener

4.4.5. If you aspire to be a good conversationalist Be an active attentive listener Ask questions that the other person will enjoy answering Encourage them to talk about themselves Encourage them to talk about their accomplishments

4.5. talk in terms of other persons interests

4.5.1. The royal road to a person's heart talk about the things that interest him or her the most

4.5.2. Talking in terms of the other person's interest has two benefits You got to expand your world and learn something new You made the other person like you

4.5.3. Duvernoy Baking Company Henry was the owner Wanted to sell his bakery to a large hotel Tried everything Even stayed there But the food manager of hotel did not budge Henry found out that the exec was a member of "Hotel Greeters of America" He was a big supporter And he was the president And he went to every convention Next time Henry saw the food manager Henry talked to him about "Hotel Greeters of America" Food manager talked to him for hours A few days later, Henry got the contract

4.6. Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely

4.6.1. The desire to feel important is one of the most fundamental urges of human nature Almost everyone considers themselves important very very important

4.6.2. William James said the deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated

4.6.3. George Eastman of Eastman Kodak He was building the Eastman school of music James Adamson, President of Superiori Chairs wanted to get the order to supply theatre chairs for the building Adamson scheduled a meeting with Eastman Secretary told him that Mr Eastman only had 5 mins Adamson walked in Was truly impressed by the wood working in the office Congratulated Eastman on how beautiful his office was Eastman replied Yes it is beautiful I often forget how beautiful it is After that Eastman Began showing him around the office Eastman took him to the window to show all the buildings and the philanthropy he was doing Adamson Asked Eastman about business Early Struggles Eastman Japanese Chairs Eastman Lunch Eastman invited Adamson for lunch And Adamson landed the order $90,000 worth Adamson and Eastman became best friends

4.6.4. Benjamin Disraeli said - talk to the other person about themselves and they will listen to you for hours

4.6.5. The golden rule says do onto others as you would have others do unto you What do we all want Recognition The feeling of importance in our world The approval of those who come in contact with us Given the golden rule we need to give to others what we want just as much .... Recognition importance and approval

4.6.6. The truth is that almost all the people we meet, feel superior to us in some way or another And a sure way to their heart is to make them feel and realize that importance

4.7. 1ST JOB

4.7.1. talk all the time

4.7.2. Im Meetings - I would try to prove how smart I was

4.7.3. I Would talk about all the amazing things going on in my life My interests My passions My hobbies

4.7.4. I was only interested in myself

4.7.5. PROVE to them WORTHY SMART

4.8. Paradox

4.8.1. Like People in order to have them like you Can you like them by Talking all the time Being interested in yourself Proving how much you know Proving how important you are Talking about your interests

5. How to Win people to your way of thinking - 12 Ways

5.1. Avoid Argument. Don't resist people. Agree to dissolve their resistance

5.1.1. You can't win an argument Because if you lose it you lose it But if you win it, you lose the other person You have made him feel inferior You have hurt his pride He will resent your triumph Ben Franklin said If you argue and contradict and rankle you may achieve a victory sometimes

5.1.2. Which would you rather have an academic, theatrical victory or a person's goodwill? You can seldom have both

5.1.3. White Trucks Patrick O'Hare - Salesman for White Trucks Company Early in his sales career he struggled a lot Decided to change course In Sales Meeting If the Buyer said Instead of getting in an argument O'Hare now said End of Resistance As soon as O'Hare agreed that XYZ company trucks were good There was no resistance from buyers Now O'Hare could talk about The specific features and benefits of White Trucks Which often led to the sale Ended up making a lot of sales Became a star salesman

5.2. Never say that the other person is wrong

5.2.1. When you tell someone that they're wrong You will not alter their opinions because you have hurt their feelings It arouses opposition and make them want to battle with you even before you start It is very hard to change peoples minds so why make it harder for yourself and handicap yourself even before you start

5.2.2. If a person makes a statement that you think might be wrong here is a way to initiate the discussion I maybe wrong. I frequently am. Now let's examine the facts This will end All argument and will inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as You are

5.2.3. People Are not logical but emotional

5.2.4. Benjamin Franklin made it a rule to stop All direct contradiction to the sentiments of others All positive assertion of his own

5.2.5. Lumberyard story Manager of a lumber company Lumber company Sent lumber to a wood working company Manager of lumber company got a call because the wood working company did not find the lumber acceptable Manager Rushed to the scene Only to find that the inspector did not know much about pine wood Normally he would go in a tirade to prove the inspector wrong Instead the manager tried something different Every time the inspector would find something unacceptable The manager would ask why it was so He made sure it was not confrontational Instead he said Manager would make comment about pine every once in a while Slowly the Inspector started to change his inspection criteria After the manager went home, he got a call from the lumberyard All lumber had passed inspection

5.3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically

5.3.1. By fighting you never get enough. But by yielding you get more than you expected

5.3.2. Any fool can defend his or her mistakes and most fools do But it raises one above the herd and gives one the feeling of nobility and exaltation to admits one's mistakes

5.3.3. People want a feeling of importance so when you begin to condemn yourself, The only way they can raise their self-esteem is to take the magnanimous attitude of showing mercy Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say and say them before that person has a chance to say them Chances are 100:1 that a generous forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimized

5.3.4. Run in with Park Police Carnegie had his dog running around a park without muzzle or leash That was against the law The policeman rebuked him and warned him to not do it again A few weeks later Carnegie let his dog run around with leash and muzzle And the same police officer saw him with the dog running around Police officer got angry "I told you to not do so last week" Carnegie Did not argue Did not try to fight him Instead he admitted his fault Police officer Well, it's a temptation to let a small dog run around like that Carnegie "Yeah, but it's against the law" He knew that the police officer wanted a feeling of self importance So, berating himself allowed the police officer to stoke his ego by being magnanimous towards him Police officer "Just let the dog go over the other side of hill and we will forget about it"

5.4. Begin in a friendly way

5.4.1. Lincoln Said It is an old and true maxim that a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall. So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart; which is the great high road to his reason.

5.4.2. Tenant trying to get rent reduced Tenant sent a letter to landlord: threatening to leave if the rent wasn't reduced Landlord was known to not give in to such requests in the past Property Manager arranged Meeting between Landlord and Tenant about Rent issues Tenant tried to "Begin in a friendly way" I really love this place You do a great job of maintaining it You are very responsive However the rent is too much for me to pay now Landlord Well, it's great to hear that you are satisfied Most people are just complaining I will reduce your rent so that I can have you as satisfied tenant Tenant said I am sorry, but that rent is beyond my budget. I would love to stay, but I can't However, if you reduce the rent to "X" amount, I will stay Landlord Agreed without any back and forth

5.5. Use Socratic Method

5.5.1. He asked questions which his opponent would have to agree with

5.5.2. He kept on getting one YES after another

5.5.3. Till

5.5.4. The opponent embraced a conclusion they would have initially fought against

5.6. let the other person do a great deal of the talking

5.6.1. Specially when dealing with family members We want to get our point across But we never stop to listen to them

5.6.2. But if take the time to listen to them It is so much easier to win them to your way of thinking

5.6.3. Resist the urge to try to tell them how you want things to be Just listen to them Their pains Challenges Frustrations Dreams Desires Thoughts Feelings

5.6.4. The easiest way to build trust and to get them to like you

5.6.5. If you want to win a family member or a colleague Sit down with them And let them talk

5.6.6. 7 Habits of Highly Effective People In order to influence, we must be influenced

5.7. let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers

5.7.1. X Ray Machine Company Trying to sell X-Ray Machines to a new hospital Dr Lewis was the head of the buying division for X-Ray machines He had multiple sales people calling on him But this X-Ray company did something different They sent a letter to Dr Lewis Our machine is not perfect, but we are trying to improve it the best we can. We would love to hear your feedback on how we can improve it Dr Lewis went to the X-Ray Company office And analyzed it thoroughly And offered suggestions Which X-Ray Machines did Dr Lewis order? The ones he helped modify and improve The ones which were now his idea

5.8. Try honestly to see things from the other persons point of view

5.8.1. Book: "How to Turn People into Gold". Author = Kenneth Goode Take a moment to see how concerned you are with your own affairs Compared to how little you care about other people's affairs Now realize that everyone else is going through the exact same thing Hence Success with other people depends on

5.8.2. Book: Getting Through to People. Author = Gerald Nirenberg Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show the other person that Their ideas and feelings are as important as your own

5.8.3. Every time you interact with someone specially when you are about to ask for something Pause Ask yourself Why would he/she want to do this?

5.8.4. Abraham Lincoln “When I get ready to talk to people, I spend two thirds of the time thinking what they want to hear and one third thinking about what I want to say.”

5.9. Be sympathetic to their ideas and desires

5.9.1. If I were in the same place as you, I would feel the same way

5.9.2. Validate their thoughts, feelings and ideas

5.10. Appeal to their nobler motives

5.10.1. Appeal to the part of them that wants to do good

5.10.2. Nobler motives like Honesty Fairness Doing Good

5.10.3. Lord Northcliffe Found a newspaper using a picture of his that he did not want to be public He could have said Please don't use my pictures. I don't like it Instead he said Please don't use my pictures. My mother doesn't like them He was appealing to the part of the editor Who understood the love and respect for his mom

5.11. Dramatize your ideas

5.11.1. Sometimes it's not easy to get the point across with simple words

5.11.2. Proposal Men get down on their knee to propose to women A man can easily say the same loving words without getting down on one knee Why do we do that? To amplify the moment

5.12. Throw down a challenge

5.12.1. Challenge is a great motivator

5.12.2. It causes us to give our very best Without any coercion or manipulation

5.12.3. Charles Schwab @ Steel Mills One factory was not performing very well Schwab talked to the manager But could not get any answer on lack of performance Schwab asked the manager How many heats did they night shift do today? 6 Schwab wrote that number on the wall and walked away Day shift came to work and asked about the number "6" on the wall That's how many heats the night shift did So day shift Stepped up Did 7 heats And wrote that number on the wall Night shift came and saw the number 7 They worked with even more enthusiasm And got to 8 heats Pretty soon both shifts were doing 10 heats each

6. How to be a Leader

6.1. To find faults - Begin with praise and honest appreciation

6.1.1. We often make the mistake of starting with all the faults of the other person We think this will be more expedient But it leads us nowhere - because the person will not give heed to us

6.1.2. Toastmasters Greatest & Cheapest way to learn public speaking skills Everywhere in the world I have been a member for 10+ years As an Evaluator Evaluating any speech No matter how good or bad the speech was We first start with all the positives of the speech There are always positives to be found Now that you have given them appreciation for what they did well Talk about 2-3 key things they could improve

6.2. To critcize - Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly

6.2.1. Toastmasters Which would you like to hear as feedback? Feedback 1 Feedback 2

6.3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person

6.3.1. Toastmasters Feedback When I gave my first speech, I was nervous and choppy I really liked that you showed no signs of nervousness and were flowing very nicely And it would be great to see you add more details to your stories

6.4. Ask questions instead of giving orders - Nobody likes to take orders

6.4.1. President of Toastmasters Club I thought it would be effective to give orders and let people carry out the orders Told VP memberhip We need to increase membership Let's do a membership campaign next month But my VP Membership and other officers did not always follow through Realizing my mistake, I said Our club needs new blood as we are low on membership I would love to hear ideas on how we can grow the club VP Membership came up with the idea of a Free Pizza membership drive that he liked And then the VP Membership executed it to perfection

6.4.2. Why does it work? The other person feels important The most powerful law of human nature It saves their pride They don't feel like they are your servants People co-operate Because it is their idea Rather than going against it People are more likely to follow through on an order If they had a hand in the creation of that order

6.5. Let the other person save face

6.5.1. Toastmasters President As discussed previously I could have humiliated the VP membership in front of all officers Made her look bad for not executing on the Membership drive BUT instead I said that we tried to do a membership drive last month But this time, Let's all come together and brainstorm ways to increase membership VP membership will be leading the charge

6.5.2. Why it works You are not hurting their pride/ego Even though they might be wrong You will not be more effective at communicating with her in the future by making her look bad right now She will only resent you

6.6. How to INSPIRE people - Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement

6.6.1. Not Flattery Be Genuine not insincere Be precise with your praise/compliments That is when it is sincere Talk about exactly what they have improved on

6.6.2. Psychologist Jess Lair said: "Praise is like sunlight to human spirit... We can not flower or grow without it"

6.6.3. As Toastmasters Club President VP Membership took on the new Membership Drive as her own Created a plan of action I praised her for that Started sending emails with status updates I thanked her for that Created marketing campaign to promote it I was extremely happy and effusive in my praise

6.7. How to Change their attitude/behavior - Give them a fine reputation to live up to

6.7.1. As toastmasters Club President VP Membership Trying to pull of a membership campaign I wanted to see more Ownership Leadership I told her That I really liked that she OWNED the membership campaign That I respect her LEADERSHIP in getting things done even when things seem difficult

6.7.2. If we want them to improve a certain trait Act as though they already have that trait Shakespeare "Assume a virtue, if you have it not" And the same holds for other people Give them a fine reputation to live up to And they will live up to it

6.8. How to help them IMPROVE - use encouragements. Make the fault seem easy to correct

6.8.1. President at Toastmasters Club VP Membership Her design for the Membership Campaign Poster was not good enough I said: This is a pretty good start. You have a great eye for design You know how to use colors to make it all pop You are really good with words in your emails and your speeches Maybe we could add things like

6.9. How to get them to do what you want them to do - Make the other person happy about doing that thing

6.9.1. 3 Key Steps Identify what the other person really wants Identify how this specific task can help them get what they want Talk to the other person about the benefit they want and how this task can help them get the benefit

6.9.2. President at Toastmasters Club VP Membership I knew she wanted to move into Product Management role in her career I know that Prod Mgmt requires you to demonstrate a sense of Ownership I told her "Think of this membership drive like a product you need to execute and bring to market. You are the lead on this" From that point on She owned the membership drive