Book Summary: Just Listen by Mark Goulston

Get Started. It's Free
or sign up with your email address
Rocket clouds
Book Summary: Just Listen by Mark Goulston by Mind Map: Book Summary:  Just Listen by Mark Goulston

1. see attached image

2. Work Situations

2.1. Gain Trust (when they don't feel trusting)

2.1.1. (see "Magical Paradox")

2.2. Toxic environment

2.2.1. I want you to know I'm not part of the problem

2.2.1.1. (see "Magical Paradox")

2.3. I need to create a good first impression

2.3.1. After establishing a basic connection with the person

2.3.1.1. From transaction to transformation

2.3.1.1.1. Description

2.3.1.1.2. Why it works

2.3.2. Avoid coming off as "trying to convince them"

2.3.2.1. Fill in the blanks

2.3.2.1.1. Description

2.3.2.1.2. Why it works

2.4. Sales/Selling

2.4.1. Client or customer "meltdown" and/or being verbally attacked

2.4.1.1. The power of "Hmm..."

2.4.1.1.1. Description

2.4.1.1.2. Why it works

2.4.2. 11) Take it all the way to "no"

2.4.2.1. Description

2.4.2.1.1. Know how far you can take it - by reaching No

2.4.2.1.2. Ask them (if they say no): Did I take it too far or not address your needs?

2.4.2.2. Why it works

2.4.2.2.1. Throws person off balance

2.4.2.2.2. Gets them from No thinking to Yes thinking

2.5. Multiple people not communicating

2.5.1. infantile "He said, She said" debates

2.5.1.1. (See Empathy Jolt)

2.5.2. He talks about everyone else's faults - doesn't look in the mirror to see their contributions

2.5.2.1. (See Empathy Jolt)

3. Book Summary & Brain Science

3.1. Twitter Version

3.2. Tumblr Version

3.3. When Book tips won't work

3.3.1. Sociopaths/psychopaths

3.3.1.1. Probably have no mirror neurons

3.3.1.2. lack conscience and empathy

3.3.1.3. about 3.6 % of population

3.3.1.3.1. Not sure if this figure includes Narcissists

3.3.1.3.2. 4 times more common in men

3.3.2. Narcissists

3.3.2.1. Probably have no mirror neurons

3.4. Category of techniques Used

3.4.1. Replenish mirror neuron deficits

3.4.2. Jolt person via unexpected behavior/communication techniques

3.4.3. Approaching communication from a different angle

3.4.3.1. opening up a previously closed or tightened channel

3.5. Caveats

3.5.1. The BS factor

3.5.1.1. This won't work if you are not sincere

3.5.1.2. How you approach people / body language is key

3.5.2. To be effective, you need a certain amount of "Emotional Intelligence"

3.5.3. For this book "to work": Practice!!

3.5.3.1. Like anything worthy in life, it's a "muscle that needs constant exercising"

3.6. The Persuasion Cycle

3.7. Brain Science

3.7.1. 3 parts

3.7.1.1. Upper (Neo-cortex)

3.7.1.2. Middle (Limbic System)

3.7.1.2.1. comprised of

3.7.1.3. Lower (Reptilian)

3.7.2. Mirror Neurons

3.7.2.1. Examples

3.7.2.1.1. Guy gets kicked in the nuts

3.7.2.1.2. Movie hero "gets the girl"

3.7.2.1.3. What happens when we see people

3.7.2.1.4. Watch "home team" (your tribe) win a game

3.7.2.2. Creates empathy

3.7.2.3. Goulston's theory

3.7.2.3.1. We mirror the world >conform to its needs

3.7.2.3.2. We hunger love and approval

3.7.2.3.3. Mirror-neuron receptor deficit

3.8. Common Communication Problems

3.8.1. Person is in rage/crisis

3.8.1.1. Characteristics

3.8.1.1.1. It's like dealing with a cornered snake

3.8.1.2. Analogy

3.8.1.2.1. Sauce-pan of water - room temp

3.8.1.2.2. Sauce-pan water simmers

3.8.1.2.3. Sauce-pan water boils over

3.8.1.3. DO

3.8.1.3.1. Help get them from lower, to middle, to upper brain

3.8.1.3.2. Get to them before "water boils over"

3.8.1.4. DON'T

3.8.2. Person is annoying

3.8.2.1. Problem

3.8.2.1.1. Mirror Neuron Deficit

4. Problem: Relating to others

4.1. They're in Crisis

4.1.1. They are on overload

4.1.1.1. Magic Paradox

4.1.1.1.1. Description (by example)

4.1.1.1.2. Why it works

4.1.1.1.3. Move from resistant to listening

4.1.2. They need "to chill"

4.1.2.1. Help people to exhale emotionally and mentally

4.1.2.1.1. Description

4.1.2.1.2. Why it works

4.1.3. They don't feel understood

4.1.3.1. Make other person feel "Felt"

4.1.3.1.1. Description

4.1.3.1.2. Why it works

4.2. They're annoying

4.2.1. "The sky is falling, the sky is falling"

4.2.1.1. "You really believe that!?!"

4.2.1.1.1. How it works

4.2.1.1.2. Why it works

4.2.2. They are miserable & blame everyone else

4.2.2.1. Empathy Jolt

4.2.2.1.1. Description (by example)

4.2.2.1.2. Why it works

4.2.3. It feels like "lecture time" - instead, I'll foster better behavior

4.2.3.1. Side by side

4.2.3.1.1. Description

4.2.3.1.2. Why it works

4.2.3.1.3. Examples

4.2.3.1.4. 3 things not to do

4.2.4. They are constantly complaining / obstructing

4.2.4.1. Make people feel valuable

4.2.4.1.1. Description

4.2.4.1.2. Why it works

4.2.5. Always interuptting and bothering you re: little things

4.2.5.1. Reverse Play (Empathy Jolt #2)

4.2.5.1.1. How it works

4.2.5.1.2. Why it works

4.2.5.1.3. Great Quote

4.3. They could use some motivation

4.3.1. I Can't - It's too hard

4.3.1.1. Impossibility Question

4.3.1.1.1. Description (by example)

4.3.1.1.2. Tips

4.3.1.1.3. Why it works

4.3.1.1.4. Analogy

4.3.2. You probably don't know how special you are

4.3.2.1. Power Thank You

4.3.2.1.1. Description

5. Problem: Improving myself

5.1. I'm in Crisis Mode

5.1.1. Move from "Oh Fuck" to "OK" (quickly!)

5.1.1.1. Description

5.1.1.1.1. Move from crisis mode to solution mode quickly

5.1.1.1.2. 5 Stages of Crisis & it's resolution

5.1.1.1.3. When in Crisis, become aware of the stages

5.1.1.1.4. Get yourself under control first

5.1.1.1.5. The mind treats all different crisis-types the same

5.1.1.2. Why it works

5.1.1.2.1. Allow higher brain to take over from reptile brain

5.1.1.2.2. Replaces your convictions with reality

5.2. I make same mistakes over and over!?!

5.2.1. <variation> Fill in your own blanks

5.2.1.1. Description

5.2.1.1.1. Stop repeating stupid things

5.2.1.2. Why it works

5.2.1.2.1. Not wallowing in self-blame

5.2.1.2.2. No blaming others

5.2.2. Question you can ask yourself

5.2.2.1. What would I like to be doing with my life next year

5.2.2.2. What do I need more or less of in my life right now

5.2.2.3. What do I want people to say about me after I die

5.3. I'm not seeing the real "cause" of the problem

5.3.1. Rewire yourself to LISTEN

5.3.1.1. Description

5.3.1.1.1. Opening lines of communication: first open your mind

5.3.1.1.2. Allows you to go beyond knee jerk reactions

5.3.1.1.3. Find the "real" cause of others behavior

5.3.1.1.4. How our mind "boxes" people

5.3.1.1.5. Think about what you're thinking

5.3.1.2. Why it works

5.3.1.2.1. Allows moving beyond misreading the situation

5.3.1.2.2. Get to the "real" core issue and your "half-way there"

5.4. I'm Nervous/Humiliated/ with Elephant in the room

5.4.1. When all seems lost - bare your neck

5.4.1.1. Description

5.4.1.1.1. I'll show you mine (often results in) they show you theirs

5.4.1.1.2. It works even with people you don't like

5.4.1.2. Why it works

5.4.1.2.1. When you try to cover-up because you're scared/humiliated

5.4.1.2.2. When baring the neck

5.4.2. Stipulation Gambit

5.4.2.1. Description

5.4.2.1.1. Discuss the "elephant in the room" early

5.4.2.1.2. Be confident and self-assured

5.4.2.1.3. Make it brief like a good "elevator pitch"

5.4.2.2. Why it works

5.4.2.2.1. You gain respect

5.4.2.2.2. Not talking about it makes it worse

5.4.2.2.3. New node

5.4.2.3. Examples

5.4.2.3.1. A man who stutters - tries to find a job

5.5. General behavior improvement

5.5.1. Choose friends wisely

5.5.1.1. Steer clear of toxic people

5.5.1.1.1. Types

5.5.1.1.2. Why

5.5.2. They see me differently than I see myself

5.5.2.1. Check your dissonance at the door

5.5.2.1.1. Description

5.5.2.1.2. What to do

5.5.3. I'm not spending enough time being present for others

5.5.3.1. Be more interested than interesting

5.5.3.1.1. Description

5.5.3.1.2. Why it works

5.6. I Fucked up

5.6.1. Power Apology

5.6.1.1. Description

5.6.1.1.1. Something you can only do once

5.6.1.1.2. Has four components

5.6.1.2. Why it works

5.6.1.2.1. People respect humility

5.6.1.2.2. People respect efforts to prove yourself

5.6.1.2.3. If forgiveness is never achieved